The fear I feel.

June 28, 2013

Recently I went to a small, two-hour course – which was quite a way away – so I decided to park at the station and catch the train in.

It was about 9.00pm when I started my trek home.
It was dark and the going-home crowds had drastically thinned out.

This may seem irrational, but a teeny fear factor starts to kick in when I’m alone and at night. Not an all out fear – but most definitely a heightened sense of awareness.

Fear

I start to notice men more and I start to evaluate them – their possible danger factor. Stereotypically mostly – their age and/or their dress – but other times it’s if I catch them watching me. They’re the creepiest.

Is that fair? Do men feel insulted by me saying that? I don’t know – but the violent rape culture that has permeated our world dictates to me that it can happen anywhere; anytime; by anyone; TO anyone.

If I don’t do this and something happens, won’t the first point of the discussion be the judgment against me for putting myself in a ‘bad situation’? Or the fact I was wearing leggings and have nice legs? Victim blaming is rife in our culture.

I had to alight a practically empty train – I was the only one in my carriage when I got off (a little unnerving) – and had to walk in the dark to my car. I kept turning around to check noone was behind me, as I saw a young man dressed in rapper clothes also get off the train at my stop.

When I got in my car, I needed to turn on the wipers and didn’t see the slug that subsequently got smeared across my windscreen. Slug goo everywhere – yuck. I pulled into a petrol station to clean it off.

There was a gang of young men wearing hoodies at the paying window of the service station. Just them and me. I thought – there’s three of them and I’m alone but the chances of something happening are low…or are they?

That’s the conundrum and it feels like crap to live like this.

Let me tell you that my heightened state was compounded by the fact that slug goo is NOT easy to get off – I kept getting in my car, to have to get out again and give it another go – all the while keeping my eye on the young men.

Question #171: Can men truly understand how this feels?

Now, I consider myself quite strong in character and can stand up for myself in many situations, but I can’t help but feel a sense of uneasiness when I’m alone – especially at night – in this evermore dangerous world.

I often tell my students that FEAR is – False Evidence Appearing Real – as a way to help them navigate through fears that stunt their ability to forge their way forward.
In this case, however, I’m not sure if it is false evidence.
Statistically it’s not false.

Deep Breath.

x

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Am I on the right track?

February 21, 2012

Howdy all.

It’s been a few days since I last posted…where I used the scary word, ‘feminist’ in the title.

I was really hoping that this post would stir some reactions – anything really; a smiley face or a brief sentence telling me I’m off my rocker! But alas, it was not meant to be. For three days, I began to entertain serious doubt about what I was doing – was anyone reading?

On the fourth day, today, I got a comment – which brightened my somewhat gloomy disposition a lot. *Some hope*

I’m very new to all this, so it’s probably just due to the fact that I’m a newbie and that people don’t catch on to blogs until later – if they ever do.

But I have to say that I thought I would get more comments – albeit small ones – about the issues I’ve been raising.

Question #18: Are women afraid to voice their thoughts, in case someone may judge?

I understand the teeny prick of anxiety that comes with ‘putting things out there’ – believe me. Even some of the people I know are strangely silent about saying anything to me.

And that’s OK. Really. It’s just that I’m not sure what my fellow sisters are thinking about stuff going on in the world today, and more importantly, if they’re happy with the way things are at the moment – well, from my small perspective, anyhow. *shrug*

I truly believe we have incredible, intelligent, compassionate and inspirational qualities – which emanates a strength that can bring change. But only when we start to use our voice.

I’m willing to admit, though, that maybe it’s MY voice that’s not quite reaching you all the way I’d hoped – but hey, there’s nothing much I can do about that; so I shall continue onwards and upwards!

So, is ‘feminist’ a scary word? I don’t think so – just a wonderful sisterhood – who laugh, love and hold the world together, when they can.

With lots of love to you all. x