The Man Box

July 10, 2013

I had a chat with my husband the other night about how I write about men, if men are the focus of that particular post. It came up because I asked him why men seemed hard to get through to – the good ones – because the first reaction is to somehow take it personally.

My husband was saying that I can’t bundle every man into the same box – which I completely agree with. I explained that in my mind, I absolutely don’t – but that it’s hard not to when I’m writing of the problems we face, based on statistics that come with with men’s actions.

How else can it be done?
It’s important to also understand that I hover the magnifying glass over women just as closely – if not more so. Therefore crying misandry is a mute point here.

I know – I really do – that the good men (like my husband) find the act of rape abhorrent, for example, and I also know they would never lay a violent hand on a woman – just as my husband has never laid a hand on me or on our two daughters.
They want the best for the women in their lives.

I’m afraid, though, that it’s no longer enough.
The fight has to spread beyond the walls of our home; as the horrifying outside world encroaches ever so much closer to touching our own lives – especially our girls.

How am I to express to you good males – from my/our perspective (because it counts) – the effect the male gender is having on its partner?

Partner, not enemy.

The Yang to its Yin:

Yin and Yang

‘Yin and yang are in pairs, such as the moon and the sun, female and male, dark and bright, cold and hot, passive and active, etc. But yin and yang are not static or just two separated things. The nature of yinyang lies in interchange and interplay of the two components. The alternation of day and night is such an example.’ *              

Statistically – in the BIG scheme of things – it’s a mean, sad and violent union with females:
* Personally: domestic violence + rape + VAW
* Politically: low % of women represented in government + legislation on women (only) and their bodies and
* Economically: >10% of women in clout positions in all top areas of media, publishing & business + lower pay (77c to a male’s $1).

When you step back and read the above statistics – logically – it doesn’t resonate well.

It’s unfair.
It looks like a bit of a boys’ club.

Don’t the good men feel that women and girls deserve a fairer shake of the stick?

I have often recognised and asked for the assistance of the good men on this blog.
I reach out for advice.

Sadly to deaf ears it seems, as I never actually receive suggestions of what approaches might be taken that may work on the men doing their gender a MASSIVE disservice or on the young boys who are suckling on a teat which teaches them, from an early age, to objectify women and therefore see them as less.

You live in the male realm – I don’t.

* Is it all the fault of males? No.
* Are women to blame for contributing to the imbalance? Of course they are.
You can’t have a porn t-shirt, showing a woman’s objectified body, without the woman’s participation. But we are still, ultimately, comparing apples to oranges.

The following video is a Ted Talk called MAN BOX by Tony Porter.
This is a good man, speaking up about the traits boys are raised on and how that has affected HIM personally. Boys need to see more of this.

So back to you good men.

Question # 174: Do you permit the imbalance to continue, through your silence?

I feel there are good men/bad men; good women/bad women.
I imagine a bell curve where the big, bulging, bell part is full of goodness.
But the voice, the shout, the outrage; predominantly bellows out of women. Men at times agree, of course, but where are the EQUALLY loud male voices and blogs calling out for a transformation to this paradigm?
Careful not to stumble on and trip over all the Facebook pages about sluts…

Using the Nanny State excuse leaves us hopeless because there must be a moment where the line is crossed.

Haven’t we already crossed it?

I thought I’d leave you with this collection of comments left on people’s Twitter accounts about the Female Wimbledon Champion Marion Bartoli.

THIS is hatred.
Many of the comments were left by men with images that suggest they’re in a relationship.

How do we change this, guys?

Deep Breath




“When women participate in the economy, in peace-making and peace-keeping, we all benefit. Giving women and girls a fighting chance isn’t a nice thing to do, it’s a core imperative for every society…This truly is the unfinished business of the 21st century, and it is the work we are called to do.” – Hillary Clinton at the Women in the World Summit.


It’s not about being nice.

Who made men the boss of us all?

We’re two halves…why is that so hard to fathom?

It’s for EQUALITY for our gender – the other half.

And to be equal exactly as we are – not equal due to being more masculine.
We can’t be more like men, we have to balance out the male characteristics and qualities.

That’s why we’re here. Otherwise it would just be all men.

Who made physical strength THE only trait to be valued as the best?

Because one can physically bully for how they desire things to be?

A woman’s strength is impenetrable.

Just look at what we do and/or survive daily; globally.

Why we don’t use this different type of strength to our advantage, just leaves me gobsmacked. It stamps the stupidity of our species more deeply into our psyche.

We’re in this inequality together, in some form or another.

And regardless of gender, it will most definitely affect someone you love.

It’s moral and ethical cancer – and yet, here we are.

The fight for the right to be richer and more controlling than others, is louder than all of us getting a slice of an equal existence.

I have to believe (and do) that there are more good people out there, than not.

Question #154: So why the fight against this?

Deep, bloody breath.



I have been amazed at the number of men in internet debates (albeit small) who still insist on irrational arguments – such as that rape is a woman-made epidemic, saturated with finger-pointers who have changed their mind about having sex with some poor man.

As much as I know that this occurs from time to time, I find it truly astounding that these men insist on this kind of discourse, against the statistically devastating evidence of rape and violence against women.

The frustration I feel, however, with all the fiery discussions that are igniting the internet at the moment, is how the predominant male voices – who are responding to what an abundance of women are saying – seem to be men with the above perspectives. Even if you label them as ‘trolls’, it doesn’t take away from the fact that the conversation is between women and these few men.

Where are the good guys’ voices?

It’s the lack of empathy that seems to be rife amongst these types of men who seem to want to stand up for their gender, however shameful its behaviour is. This is where my logical brain AND heart begin to ache because I can’t understand how so. many. of these types of men, fail to stop and think, “This could have happened to someone I dearly love.”

They can’t think it can happen to them, because statistically it’s microscopically low. Is this where their lack of empathy stems from?

If a fellow male (a good guy) does venture into the conversation to make a comment about the grim state of affairs with women, he is generally greeted with insults. I thought this cartoon by Gabby’s Playhouse is spot on:


Question #136: Is this why the good guys are silent?

I have seen MANY comments from men who demean another man for suggesting things need to change – as if the ‘brotherhood’ has now attained a weak link – who must be pounced upon and destroyed, in a similar vein to how the women are addressed.

I came across this following clip that is from a few years ago, showing how a panel of men – although it’s one alpha male voice who’s in control – must decide a woman’s fate in regards to her calling out a highly stationed man to being sexually inappropriate.

This scenario, in my opinion, encapsulates the battle all women have with being heard and BELIEVED, when the stakes are high – in other words, when it’s her word against his.

Of course, there are men present who attempted to help this woman, but they are immediately shot down by the alpha male – as he loudly claims to be offended by them questioning his methods –  and they quietly slink back and remain silent.

What hope do women have to be believed and gain justice, when even fellow men are shot down into silence?

Until we realise that there is no ‘him’ or ‘her’, that a woman seeking justice is only doing just that, not waging war on the male gender – we have no hope of evolving.

We are simply people. People who suffer from the hands of other people and if someone has done the wrong thing, regardless of gender, then they should do the time for the crime.

Deep Breath.