PS…
May 6, 2012
Thank you for the supportive comments that I’ve received so far about my sometimes ‘hostile’ environment at home. I take some comfort in knowing that it’s normal for siblings to go at each other, over everything – especially when they’re in the mood for it…but there’s one important thing I forgot to add to the last post – which I think I alluded to, but didn’t quite spell out.
And that is that I hate the person I become when they finally tip me over – and that it’s the ‘mother’ they see more often. I worry that with the frequency in which I find myself refereeing, setting boundaries and/or disciplining, will create (is creating) a negative experience for all three of us.
Them – because they’ll see me as continually being unhappy with them and in a bad mood;
Me – finding myself not wanting to be around them. I hate having that feeling…but I shamefully feel it.
My youngest now mirrors the way I act when I lose control – she shouts and screams so loudly, you’d think she was being attacked. But as head-strong as she is, she learned it from me.
I know it has to start with me…but after days of me doing things in the ‘right way’ with them – I get angry when I don’t (think I) see an effort being made by them.
That’s when I feel like a fraud – because my intellectual mind knows what needs to be done, I do it…and then it doesn’t work. My head then spins into…
WHHAAAAATT????…What did you just say to me??…You did WHAT??…
…but then, they’re only kids – so young. I know.
Question #41: Would mothers really sign up for this, if we actually knew what it would be like?
I know the answer to this is ‘YES’…because we would always think that it would be different with our kids.
I talk to my mother often about this and after a few responses of, “I know” from her – I asked her why she had never told me what it was really like to raise kids. Well, the simple truth is, I wouldn’t have listened because my girls are my one and only lifelong dream – come true. Having kids was all I EVER wanted.
Time to take a deep breath…again.
x
Your wisdom.
May 5, 2012
I just came in from hanging out the washing – on this magnificent day in Sydney. Clouds are starting to come over now – but that sun is yummy, when it pokes through. It’s made a weekly chore a pleasure to do; in that peace and warmth.
The best part is – my children aren’t here.
This is hard for me to write admit because I’m going through a very challenging time with my girls – especially my youngest. She’s 5.
I need your advice.
I never thought motherhood was going to be such a tough gig. I know in my heart that I couldn’t imagine a life without my girls…although on days like today, I cherish not having them around – so I can reboot.
Sometimes I feel like a great mother and I think how lucky I am – and at others, more often than not, I feel a despair and think, “What am I doing?” I hear a lot of mothers really sound like they are having such a positive and wonderful experience with their kids, and I feel like a fraud. Sometimes.
Basically, our home is one of fighting. The majority of the time, it’s the girls with each other but it always trickles down to me. They fight about everything – about who hurt whom, who took what they were playing with, who’s not letting them have a turn – everything. Hubby and I rarely fight – and if we do, it’s not in front of them – so it’s just a battle with each other…and me.
I have alone time with both girls, for about 3 hrs every afternoon. Some of the time, it’s a battle-of-wills with my youngest – who always says, “No” or “Awww?” to just about every instruction or statement I make. Now, I’ve always had a short temper – but I truly believe that I have improved over the years (it takes longer for me to get worked up) because I want to have control over it and model it to the girls.
So, I’m making the best of efforts, to be a better role model – by expressing what I need to, without anger – and positively reward their good behaviour. I do that with a spontaneous show of affection (lots of kisses), tell them I love them, say a, “That’s the way!” when they do a good gesture toward each other…I even took them to see Mirror, Mirror last week, as a treat…
…but on some days, I just reach a stage where I lose my block. It’s always verbal (shouting); we don’t smack – but when I lose it like that, I think it’s just as bad as a smack – just as damaging. I sometimes feel like I have an out-of-body experience, watching my behaviour show my daughters how to deal with tough situations – in 3D; with Dolby Surround Sound; on an IMAX screen!
On days like these – I feel like it’s all for nothing because of the GIANT leap backwards, we just took – thanks to me.
But it’s incessant – the asking, the asking again – even though the reason was calmly given with the answer, the whingeing – when they know it might not go their way, the debate – loathing sentences that start with, “But you said…”
Let me say, that they don’t get their way – especially if they engage. But that’s the biggest problem – I don’t let up and they don’t let up. Especially my youngest; when she latches on, she’s on tight for the ride…
Every. Time. About. Anything.
It’s exhausting.
I need enlightenment from my sisters – of any age.
Question #40: Are there any wise words to impart?
I saw the name of the image below, The Wisdom Path, and loved it.
…looks like a long trip, doesn’t it?
Deep Breath
x
Nature’s balance?
April 9, 2012
I hope everyone had a great Easter. My brood and I headed up to my parents’ place up at The Blue Mountains. I love going up there – I find it so peaceful and I always have a moment where I sit on the back steps, look up at the trees and ponder…
The trees I’m talking about, are predominantly very tall pine trees that are on the property behind my parents’ place. Unfortunately, those owners have been fighting for years to have the permission to cut down around 300 trees on their property to build townhouses. Yep townhouses. Anything to make a buck, right?
It’s so unjust on so many levels. Besides the horror, mess and noise that will come of cutting so many trees down – the whole reason we treasure places like this is because of the wonder that is nature – for balance and peace.
Aren’t they beautiful?
And these three photos were all from this last weekend. Unique, different stages – sunset, full-moon and a foggy early morning – like watching Uluru (so I’m told *wink*). But a camera doesn’t truly capture their magnificence – or how much I love them. *insert heart symbol*
The reason I brought up these trees, is because I often think a lot about life’s challenges and how nature works, when I’m looking at them. I did a lot of this on the weekend.
I’m not ‘religious’ – although what does that mean exactly? I was raised in a home with no religion, but had a lot of it through Primary and High School. I find, as I approach my 42nd birthday, that I pretty much believe a lot of the ‘lessons’ that religion teaches us – I just don’t attach a deity to it.
I just believe in nature and balance. I see an organic, electric force that sends waves of good times and challenges our way – and the way we handle these moments and times, determines our experience on this short time on Earth. When my eldest daughter once asked my mum something about heaven, my mum said to her, “This can be heaven. Now. If you want it to be.”
I loved that. Why can’t this life be heaven?
Well…it can’t be while everyone’s idea of heaven is having lots of money. And this idea – a very strong one now – is tipping nature (which includes us) out of balance.
As a high school teacher, I feel like I’m part of the ‘machine’ that continues to educate our future in the same archaic manner – teach students in the same way (and predominantly the same subjects) as the 50s – so that kids can get a job and buy a house etc. etc.
Girls are encouraged to ‘have it all’ – find a man, marry him, have a successful career, have kids, run a household and start the whole process again with their daughters. Boys – well, they’re encouraged to be men – be powerful (in all areas of his life – which includes power over women, a lot of the time), and earn enough money for said house etc. and they also start the whole process again, with their sons.
OK, so it’s always been that way, to a certain extent. I agree. But if we take a step back, whoever we are and whatever our financial status is, and really look at what we’re being told and sold:
Question #29: Aren’t we creating a society (our children) obsessed with money?
Aren’t we now crossing boundaries to make it and teaching our children how to follow in our footsteps?
The reason I ask, is because this is the point I think that ‘heaven’ can’t be found in this developed world of ours. How can our kids find true balance in their lives when all that matters is money? Everything is buy, buy, buy! What’s worse, though, is that this way of life is moulding our society’s values and beliefs by telling us all what to buy, how to look and what life to aim for.
That last part is the scariest. It looks like everyone is a clone – including myself (big revelation there) – living the life we’ve all been told to aim for. I finished high school, went to uni, got a career as a teacher, travelled, married, had 2 daughters and bought a house….which we’ll be paying off for the rest of our lives. When I look around at my girlfriends from school, the only real difference between us, is our income – because the core of what we ‘have’ is the same. It’s the message that was sold told to us as teens in the 80s and it’s the same as what’s being told to the teens and children of today.
Is this what we want for our future? The same formula – over and over again?
Because it feels like the only lesson that’s being taught, is not in our schools, it’s in our world of consumption and all we are really aiming for is bigger and better than everyone around us.
School, is just a means to an end. School like the 50s (parental concerns of the time, included).
I wonder how I’m going to do it – raise two girls to be strong and unique, whilst navigating through the sludge of how women are represented. How do I teach them to stick to their individuality, when everyone around them is a walking commercial – owning all the ‘latest’ toys and gadgets or wearing the same types of clothes?
So, whenever I can, I look up at the trees – trees that will be cut down, to make way for making money – and wonder if there’s any hope of things truly turning around. Haven’t these issues been brought up a million times before over the decades?
The irony about these trees, is that the original owner of that massive lot – a loong time ago – didn’t sell off pieces of it, to be able to maintain its natural state and beauty, and left clear instructions that it was to be kept that way…but that was only maintained whilst it stayed in the family.
If you get a chance, listen to the wind go through pine leaves – it actually makes that eerie sound you hear in movies…I guess the current owners can’t really hear it over the sound of, ‘Cha-Ching!’
x
PS Tomorrow’s 3 months since the blog was born! Very exciting *HUGE smile*
Who are our girls’ role models?
March 16, 2012
A week or so ago, on the show The Project, they were discussing Pink Ghettos – places in the workforce where there are predominantly women (like Public Relations).
Firstly it addressed how it’s not good to have either sex feature predominantly in the workforce and secondly, it was looking at how it’s necessary for women to have good Maternity Leave – as it can mean the death of their careers, having to leave their job to care for the children. The irony was that the discussion was between a Joe Hockey (male politician) and Natasha Stott Despoja (former leader of the Democrats; and an awesome woman) – where HE was actually arguing that he knew what women wanted, more than the female, former leader of a party, with children sitting before him. I thought that was incredibly patronising. However, it generally seems that way; hardly the bat of an eyelid at the fact that a man is making the calls on what’s good for women.
The part that really had me gobsmacked, was that when Natasha was asked whether she had ever heard of Pink Ghettos, she said, “No, but Canberra is a pretty much a Blue Ghetto, with the amount of men that are there,” to which Joe Hockey replied, “I wish it were all blue.”
Yep. I bet you do, Joe.
Around the world, the average of women in parliament in 2007 was 18.3%* (couldn’t find anything more current – would love to know the figures today) and although the stats were a little better in Australia, it got me wondering WHY women are simply not up there at the top; in equal numbers to men – after all there’s a teeny bit more women than men worldwide.
Could it be that our girls have few aspirations to go for leadership roles (in many different areas) because it’s simply not modelled for them?
So, I thought I’d ask girls at my school, of different ages, who they look up to; who is an inspirational role model in their lives.
The first reaction was always the same – a long silence, looking up; trying to conjure up the faces of all the women out there who have impacted their lives.
One of the questions I was asked was, “Does it have to be a woman?” I gave her a cheeky ‘did-you-just-ask-me-that?’ look, as I didn’t know whether she was pulling my leg. She wasn’t. At the same time, what a telling question it was.
Even after I nudged them along with possibilities like singers, writers or personalities on TV…. a big portion of them said their mothers.
How wonderful. Or is it?
Hear me out.
I am a mother. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mum, since I can remember. I was quite young when I kept asking my mum questions about marriage and whether she minded if I got married a little bit earlier than she did. She was 24. I was Suzie Home Maker. My best friend and I used to actually talk about the days where we’d be in our own home, married and ironing our husband’s shirts. PALEEASE!
Now, although I went to uni and ticked all the boxes – my ultimate goal was to get married and have kids. And I did.
I was blessed with two, very strong, daughters who drive me insane – you know what I mean – but whom I believe I was destined to have.
As much as I know they will ultimately respect me as a mother – is it all I want for them?
Question #24: Is motherhood the only way we can model strong women?
I asked the students if they felt there were any unfair things their mothers might go through, because they’re women and there was a strong chorus of, “YEAH!”
Through our following discussion, it seemed clear that, besides their mothers, there really wasn’t much out there to inspire girls – and if there are great women out there (which of course there are) – why aren’t we seeing them as much as the plastic, doll-like versions of our sex?
Why is there such a dim spotlight being shone on intelligent and inspirational women?
All is not lost, though. One of my older students said Gail Simone was an inspiration to her. I don’t know about you, but I said, “Who?” When I looked her up, I saw that she is great – a graphic novel writer. Amongst other suggestions, a popular choice was the singer Adele. When I asked how Adele inspired them, they just LOVED that she truly is all about the music – not about making a caricature of herself.
A gorgeous, gifted woman – what. a. voice!
We HAVE to get more of a spectrum of strong, intelligent women to be visible.
Let’s start at the very beginning…*Black Comedy included…
February 10, 2012
Where does it begin?
In my Year 7 class yesterday, we were discussing the different ways in which we communicate. In relation to their writing, I was explaining that if their brain gets used to typing ur instead of your, they’ll occasionally slip and write it the wrong way when they’re at school. A female student explained that when you’re chatting you need to do it quickly so that the other person doesn’t think you’ve left the conversation. At this point, a boy in the class calls out, “Or maybe they just think you’re fat.”
I was momentarily speechless (and for those who know me, that’s an uncommon occurrence).
There were a few things that didn’t sit right with me. The obvious one was that he managed to slip that irrelevant comment in, without thought for the girl he was talking to, but the most surprising part was that nobody in the class flinched or seemed to be overly concerned.
How did our kids become so desensitised at such a young age?
I made it very clear to this boy and the rest of the class, that that sort of comment is completely unacceptable.
So, how early are girls being initiated into the world classroom, where the lesson taught is, “Your worth is in your looks”?
I know that this is not the experience of every girl – but there’s a TV show (of course) that they can watch, where the subliminal messaging begins.
Three words: Toddlers. And. Tiaras.
The fact that the word ‘Toddler’ is in the title, just disturbs my core.
Now, I have only ever seen part of an episode, which I used for one of my Drama classes, and all I have to say is,
I – don’t – get – it.
Granted, I don’t know how it all works – for example, does every girl get a trophy? (there seem to be a lot). If that’s the case, then that would make it a pointless competition
….and there it is – the word COMPETITION.
Looks are fleeting. One day one may be deemed beautiful, the next one is not.
Then what?
What does a little 5 yr old feel when she’s told she’s not the prettiest?
Enter her again? And again?
What lesson is she gaining? That people will only truly love her when she’s dressed up and spray tanned to within an inch of her life? Dancing provocatively to adults?
I don’t get it.
Isn’t this a win for paedophiles? Seriously, they can access images like the following off Google. Why are parents (especially mothers) encouraging and exposing their babies in this way?
This most famous toddler star (who I saw doing pelvic thrusts on Sunrise when she was in Australia) is also being Photoshopped. Photoshopped! I found some other images of different girls, where the eyes have been made MUCH bigger, and together with the airbrushed skin, it made them look weird.
Why does the image on the left (below) need to be Photoshopped in the first place?
I have so many questions because there is no logic to this madness. I can’t even fathom the damage this would do to a person of ANY age – being told in a beauty pageant that they’re not beautiful – let alone with these young developing minds.
FUNNY PART
Let’s watch some satire.
The following link is very funny.
It’s Tom Hanks giving a satirical look at the ridiculousness of all this.
Now that you’ve had a laugh – riddle me this:
Question #12: What do mothers hope their daughters gain, from being subjected to this kind of ‘competition’?
A short post.
Question #7: Why are we allowing ‘consumption’ to be the most important life goal, being taught to our kids?
Not only do ALL people have power over consumerism – women in particular, hold a unique market – THE BIGGEST!
It’s time to put that power into action – for the sake of our children – our girls and boys – who are being moulded since birth.
Yes, we’ve always had the push to consume – but….the reach it has now is unparralleled to when we were younger – I mean, I was in my mid twenties when mobiles and things like hotmail, were just taking off. There’s NO comparison, so our parenting and guidance has be both more aware and present.
Read this:
http://jennifershewmaker.com/2012/01/23/media-and-children-its-not-all-about-the-parent/
Questions for Us 