The fear I feel.
June 28, 2013
Recently I went to a small, two-hour course – which was quite a way away – so I decided to park at the station and catch the train in.
It was about 9.00pm when I started my trek home. It was dark and the going-home crowds had drastically thinned out.
This may seem irrational, but a teeny fear factor starts to kick in when I’m alone and at night. Not an all out fear – but most definitely a heightened sense of awareness.
I start to notice men more and I start to evaluate them – their possible danger factor. Stereotypically mostly – their age and/or their dress – but other times it’s if I catch them watching me. They’re the creepiest.
Is that fair? Do men feel insulted by me saying that? I don’t know – but the violent rape culture that has permeated our world dictates to me that it can happen anywhere; anytime; by anyone; TO anyone.
If I don’t do this and something happens, won’t the first point of the discussion be the judgment against me for putting myself in a ‘bad situation’? Or the fact I was wearing leggings and have nice legs? Victim blaming is rife in our culture.
I had to alight a practically empty train – I was the only one in my carriage when I got off (a little unnerving) – and had to walk in the dark to my car. I kept turning around to check noone was behind me, as I saw a young man dressed in rapper clothes also get off the train at my stop.
When I got in my car, I needed to turn on the wipers and didn’t see the slug that subsequently got smeared across my windscreen. Slug goo everywhere – yuck. I pulled into a petrol station to clean it off.
There was a gang of young men wearing hoodies at the paying window of the service station. Just them and me. I thought – there’s three of them and I’m alone but the chances of something happening are low…or are they?
That’s the conundrum and it feels like crap to live like this.
Let me tell you that my heightened state was compounded by the fact that slug goo is NOT easy to get off – I kept getting in my car, to have to get out again and give it another go – all the while keeping my eye on the young men.
Question #171: Can men truly understand how this feels?
Now, I consider myself quite strong in character and can stand up for myself in many situations, but I can’t help but feel a sense of uneasiness when I’m alone – especially at night – in this evermore dangerous world.
I often tell my students that FEAR is – False Evidence Appearing Real – as a way to help them navigate through fears that stunt their ability to forge their way forward.
In this case, however, I’m not sure if it is false evidence.
Statistically it’s not false.
Deep Breath.
x
The Misogyny Factor
June 16, 2013
A few weeks ago, my mum and I went to the Sydney Writers’ Festival to watch Anne Summers speak about her new book, The Misogyny Factor. Anne has worked as a senior bureaucrat and political adviser, and is the former editor-in-chief of the landmark feminist New York based Ms. magazine.
She was wonderful.
Articulately pointing out logical and factual anomalies in the fabric of our unbalanced existence, in the never-ending search for equality.
Some facts:
- By simply being female, a woman will earn 1 million dollars less than a male, in her lifetime – 1 million – or the fact that an HSC male (high school graduate) will earn more than a university post-grad female.
- That the control of a woman’s 1. Financial Independence and 2. Fertility plus the ever-growing 3. Violence against Women, have us in a grand old pickle.
Anne mentioned three words:
Inclusion – Equality – Respect.
These are the words we must ALL aim for – for a better world…for ALL.
We must strive for governments and policies that go about securing us inclusion, equality and respect.
Following are a few of Anne’s perceptions that she wrote in the introduction to her book.
They just resonated with me (well, it all did, really):
- ‘I nominate the misogyny factor is the obstacle.’
- ‘If misogyny is the theory of women’s inferiority and unworthiness and, therefore, unsuitability to be equal players in our society, sexism is the everyday expression of it.’
- ‘These people believe that, once they are mothers, women just do not belong in the world outside the home. They also tend to have the conviction that all women ought to be mothers and, therefore, confined to the domestic sphere. Such views can be, and are, held by women as well as men.’
- ‘My starting point is the absurdity of a society predicated on a double standard: men can be fulfilled as fathers and as workers, yet we still argue the toss about whether women can ‘have it all’.’
The last point is the crux.
Question #167: Why does this double standard truly exist?
My delay in writing about seeing Anne and listening to her fantastic-ness, was due to the fact that within those two weeks, the news was choc-full of misogyny galore!
And these are just the ones that made the news. The cold and sad reality for many women suffering similar actions go generally ignored or ‘unseen’.
We must start to see…
1.
We had Collective Shout and many women – from all around the globe – speaking out against rapper Tyler the Creator coming to Australia to perform his sexist, racist, homophobic, hate – with lyrics containing violence against women, such as:
“Rape a pregnant bitch and tell my friends I had a threesome,”
“Keep that bitch locked up in my storage, rape her and record it.”
New Zealand didn’t permit him entry into their country, but not only did Australia grant him a Visa, he performed all around Australia in places like the Enmore Theatre in Sydney to all-ages audiences.
???
{A future post will look at how the objection to have Tyler come out here, meant the predominant women who spoke up, received a barrage of threats of rape and violence against themselves and their families, by Tyler’s fans online.}
2.
We had a Liberal Party fundraiser menu – click here – which featured our Prime Minister as a dish, demeaning her down to the features of her body, including her pubic hair.
Our Prime Minister.
3.
PM Julia Gillard was again insulted a few days later when radio ‘journalist’, Howard Sattler, decided to ask personal questions about her partner’s sexuality and pushing for an answer.
He was sacked.
I wrote on the radio station’s FB page:
‘She is our Prime Minister and this dismissal was a good call.
Like Ms Gillard or not, the job commands our respect.
There would have been justifiable outrage if John Howard were asked about ANYTHING sexual about him or his wife.
This radio station demonstrated respect for our Prime Minister. Well done.’
4.
Australia’s Army Chief gives a stern warning telling sexist soldiers to get out of the army after:
“Following revelations of further “demeaning, explicit and profane” behaviour by his army members.”
5.
In a moment of go-knows-what, the Socceroos coach, Holger Osieck, whilst being directed to his seat for a press conference, is heard saying:
“You push me around like my wife.”
He then said something in Latin, which he then translated to:
“Women should shut-up in public.”
These examples all occurred within a two week period – the last four within just one week – two of which were against our female Prime Minister.
Inclusion – Equality – Respect.
I leave you with a question Anne Summers wrote within her introduction:
Question #168: What exactly do we need to do to ensure our society promotes equality and makes it possible for women, as well as men, to live they want?
Deep Breath
x
Question #152: If not now – WHEN?
March 22, 2013
I heard this question asked twice in one day, from two different people, about two different issues.
I think it’s the crux of it all – the question we must seriously ponder and decide when we ‘cross the line’.
Is there a line?
There has been a growing voice emerging and gradually escalating – standing up for the preservation of some basic, bloody principles. Fundamentals.
But there also seems to be a surge in bad, malicious, callous behaviour that’s infecting our culture – like bad apples rotting the barrel.
I don’t know…is it a backlash?
If we look at the current, abhorrent issue of the rape culture we now seem to inhabit, then we need look no further than the Steubenville rape case in the States. *Trigger Warning*
Why this case? Because it’s the first biggie since India. This was the test to see if we changed – even a bit.
We failed. In fact, I feel like we regressed.
The two boys on trial were found guilty of rape – one will serve a minimum of one year and the other, two (an extra year for taking nude photos of a minor and circulating them).
The discussion has been fierce on both sides – but I have to say that I am quite dumbfounded at the reactions to this case.
This girl was stripped naked, raped repeatedly, sodomised and urinated on (tweets support this) – carried around from party to party by the wrists and ankles – whilst unconscious. These boys went a step further by documenting the ordeal by filming, taking photos and tweeting about it.
There is the video where one of the bystanders who watched his mates, laughs about the girl’s horrifying experience, for 12 minutes and discusses what was done to her – you can see it here. *Extreme Trigger Warning*
(Notice the rifle on the floor by this guy? What a frightening combination.)
And yet, there is an enormous, insurmountable number of people who still think it’s her fault. Blaming the victim. One man went so far as to write the following post over his ‘outrage’ that the rapists were put on a Sexual Offender Registry:
Why don’t we have a Dumb Fucking Whore Registry. Now that would be justice.
Just the title. Speechless. I’m so offended by it.
Why aren’t ALL women offended by this?
Many of the comments left on this post sing a familiar tune – supporting the author’s stance of the girl pretty much ‘asking for it’ – male and female alike – including that she wasn’t raped at all – just digitally penetrated. Saying she shouldn’t have gone out, shouldn’t have gotten drunk, shouldn’t have…etc.
This girl’s human rights were violently and devastatingly ripped from her.
She will never be able to form a healthy relationship with a man, she may have sustained physical injury – like not being able to have a baby, caught a disease and she’s still a child. She’s a minor and has already endured such a horribly degrading, violent and humiliating experience. Never, EVER to be forgotten.
They will do a year or two in juvenile detention. Come out and either rape again – more bad for us – or come out changed men. If that’s the case – great, they gets a second chance.
What about her?
Why should they get a second chance?
So how bad does a rape – or anything for that matter – have to be, before society snaps out of its coma and starts to take action?
Well, I see one of two solutions for our rape culture:
1. Women actually do as they’re told and stay home. They don’t go out. Stay indoors. And if you do go out, cover up so as not to provoke. Don’t smile sending mixed messages that you ‘want it’. There’s only one problem with that…many, many girls and women are raped at home. It’s a tricky one.
2. We hone in on the source of the problem:
Question #153: Why are there so many more men like this?
It may not be you – but if it’s not, you can’t deny – it’s like a war out there.
Isn’t anyone hearing what’s being shouted? Or is everyone simply turning a deaf ear?
There’s only ONE significant change – I believe – in all our social existence.
PORN.
Yes, it’s always been around but now it’s saturating – the availability of it – the actual advertising of it, regardless of location – like the local newsagent for families; TV – and what eyes are watching. REGARDLESS.
Women are advertised as whores (I’m sorry for the word – but it resonates best) to both our sons and daughters – look around at the effects this is having on both genders.
Life is imitating art.
![163802-lee-jeans-billboard[1]](https://questionsforus.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/163802-lee-jeans-billboard1.jpg)
Quite unavoidable, isn’t it?
Is this the world you want?
Its consequences are happening now, to a lot of people. Around the globe. And it’s escalating.
This is bad.
Yet we find it hard to punish and say ‘No’. We give more and more chances – until when?
Seriously.
So I’ll ask again: If not now – WHEN?
Deep Breath
x
PS – I really do want to talk about this. Good guys – any ideas?
My local newsagent located the hard core porn magazines at the very front of the side shelf of his shop. If you send your kid down to buy you the paper – from where the papers are, you can see a magazine on the flat section of the shelf, with a fully naked woman on the cover, sitting on a pushbike.
I challenged him, very politely, saying if he had to have them at all, they should be at the back of the shop. It’s all still there.
What are your suggestions?
A MUST watch – especially for teen girls and young women.
January 26, 2013
Dr Caroline Heldman (who appeared in Missrepresentation) spoke at the TEDx Youth Conference, for twelve or so minutes – without pause. Amazing.
It’s a bloody brilliant presentation that encapsulates everything that is wrong with our current paradigm – delivered with clear-cut explanations, facts, research and solutions.
She looks at what sexual objectification is and whether it’s empowering.
An absolutely fantastic and succinct discourse.
Question #140: So, ladies – are we going to put an end to this self-destructive behaviour, once and for all?
Deep Breath.
x
Michael Moore.
January 6, 2013
Michael Moore wrote the following article about his perspective on the United States and its history with violence.
The point titled ‘The ME Society’, is spot on. I think it’s the root of all that’s wrong in our insatiably, money-hungry and lustful paradigm.
Yes, it’s about the States and we may even feel a tinge of superiority – like we’re somehow ‘better’ – but don’t be so complacent and cocky. We’re going to get there really soon, if we don’t pull on the reigns.
Michael Moore: Celebrating the Prince of Peace in the Land of Guns.
Question #131: What do you think of Michael Moore’s insights?
The issue of ‘men with guns’ is a VERY serious one but shouldn’t we also be looking at the even more serious and destructive issue of ‘men who rape’?
As Michael wrote:
“…we rape and beat and kill our women without mercy and at a staggering rate: every three hours a women is murdered in the USA (half the time by an ex or a current); every three minutes a woman is raped in the USA; and every 15 seconds a woman is beaten in the USA.”
Deep Breath.
x
- Michael Moore
A shout out to all good people!
January 5, 2013
A cocktail drinks’ menu has come to light.
It’s so bad. The malice is two-fold – not only because of the actual names that were chosen for the cocktails, but that not one person got in its way and said, “No, this is wrong.”
With all the horrific, violent and frequent incidences that are occurring around the world, someone ultimately gave the final OK to this declaration of hate.
What is it? A dare? A challenge?
“We’re not going to stop calling you sluts and you can’t make us!” Is that it?
This is what I wrote on the Spectrum Daiquiri Bar Facebook page:
When you write these horrible terms about women, you write about ALL women – your mother, grandmothers, sisters, daughters and granddaughters. You can’t say, “Oh no, I didn’t mean you” – it doesn’t work that way.
This is hateful – “Shut her up” and “Slut’. These are the reasons men rape.
Even more deplorable still, you make it a poster (condoning rape culture), that young people read as they’re getting drunk – actually helping create a toxic and violent world for women.
Why do you hate so much?
Shame on you.
Condoning rape culture = hate.
I reckon that if you filtered down all the reasons why men rape women, it would probably be because he either sees her as a slut or just wanted to shut her the **** up?
And this bar thought it would be hi-laaaarious to use these contemptuous and patronising labels for women…whilst young people are brainwashed – as they drink their mind stupid.
BUT – we’re not doing enough about this. Yes, things are being said; but not enough is being done.
If we did, this would simply be stopped. WE – the consumer – saying:
“We won’t stand for this. We don’t want it.”
The volume of the good men’s voices needs to be cranked up a few notches. Lots of women have left comments on this bar’s page, but there are barely any from men – showing their dissatisfaction, that is.
C’mon guys! (Spectrum Daiquiri Bar)
Whatever your age – tell them you’re ashamed.
I hope, with all my heart, that everyone simply boycotts this place (in Brisbane).
I’m sure there must be better places to go to, that respect both genders AKA people.
Give them your hard-earned dollars. Invest in something good, which means taking your business elsewhere. Boom.
Question #130: How empowering would that feel?
…plus it would be fun, wouldn’t it? Feeling that use of power for good?
Deep Breath.
x
Rape Culture #3
January 3, 2013
A cell within the group Anonymous, called ‘Knight Sec’ decided to be a voice against the injustice that came of the gang rape of an unconscious, 16 year old girl in Ohio, by members of a football team – who also documented it all. She was unconscious because she was
“intentionally drugged with a ‘date-rape’ intoxicant.”
The community, police and justice system, that rallied behind theses boys (widely known by their nickname, ‘The Rape Crew’) and swept it all under the carpet, were given until the end of 2012 to come forward and apologise – make things right – otherwise Anonymous was going to publish the information they had gathered.
No-one apologised.
So here is the report that was leaked to the public on the 1st Jan.
It includes the following video footage of the boys admitting to the rape.
*WARNING: This Video Is Extremely Disturbing – Viewer Discretion Is Advised.
Michael Colin Nodianos Admiting To Rape from Commander X on Vimeo.
I only have one question (it would be great if guys help me out here with some insight):
Question #129: Knowing what WE were like as teens – is this type of guy more common now?
What terrifies me most is not what they did to her (although it literally makes my stomach somersault and heart ache), it’s what they think of her – as they laugh…and laugh…and laugh…
In this case, these men flaunted their misogyny through sadistic rape and even urinated on this poor girl – who is ruined for life. But this deplorable attitude can manifest in a number of different ways – domestic violence, forced prostitution etc – and it’s seeping through globally.
* Afgan girl shot in the head for ‘being a prostitute’ in front of a cheering crowd of Taliban men who were fighting over her – DIED.
* Pakistani girl, Malala Yousafzai, shot in the head for wanting an education – LIVED.
* Indian girl’s horrific gang rape – DIED.
* This girl – intentionally drugged, sodomised, urinated on, dragged unconscious from party to party – LIVED.
Etc…etc…etc…
And, of course, these are just the ones we hear about – 1 in 3 women will experience sexual assault in their lifetime.
I want my daughters to be able to go out and confidently participate in this world – but it chills me to think that these guys are out there.
So – is it worse than before?
Guys/Men? Thoughts?
Deep Breath.
x
PS There are no words to describe what I feel about the guy in the video – making joke, after joke, after joke. Just the manner in which he says the same type of thing over and over again, fills me with a strong and uncharacteristic desire, to smack his smug and idiotic face out. The cameraman laughing at all his jokes and egging him to keep going, would be next.
The following is what he wrote on Twitter:
Just to clarify from my last post. Rape Culture #2.
December 30, 2012
Two women left great comments, in response to the previous post about Rape Culture.
I would like to address two of the points made by these women.
1. lamehousewife was suggesting that the ad on the bus is a reflection of the type of women the priest was talking about.
I agree.
Throughout my posts, I have always made a strong point (I hope) on the massive contribution women are making to the problems they face in this patriarchal society. Ads, like the one on the back of the bus, can only exist with a woman’s consent.
Without women agreeing to normalise this hyper-sexualised, fickle, fake image of womanhood – we have little chance of attaining any sort of equality amongst this man’s world.
However, I AM about balance and the point of my last post was simply that the solution/solving conversations that make the papers, are about what women have to do to stop the Rape Culture.
But what about the guys/men? The ones COMMITTING the crime?
The CRIME.
Most of the time, it has nothing to do with what a woman wears. A lot of the time it can be a family member, raping a daughter/niece…or she didn’t do as she was told…or she looks like his mother and he hates his mother…etc. etc. etc.
I’m sure I (we) could find a gazillion reasons why so many men rape women…but the only common denominator, is that it’s men inflicting violence against women on an unprecedented and global scale.
As I said in my response, there is currently heated discussion at the prevalence of males being behind mass shootings, like the recent ones in the United States. Well, this is MORE prevalent…and also inflicted by men.
Where’s the article on that in mainstream media?
Where are the mental health programs for them? Or is it simply too many men?
More importantly:
Question #128: How are our boys being taught NOT to think of women as useless (except for one thing) and ‘gagging-for-it’?
If we’re not implementing the above, then we are simply stepping aside and allowing the Rape Culture to perpetuate.
You can get it on a t-shirt (this one’s a tame one):
Or in a meme:
You get the idea…
2. Kate left a fantastic comment which hits the nail on the head; looking at this from another angle. A part of what she wrote was the following:
“I long for the time women regain their worth, their subtle and centred power, and this can’t happen by drinking as much as men or lowering our sexual standards by removing our sense of love and care and giving, or by trying to ‘be’ like men. We are depth that are women! Yet we seem to be under the stupidity of unawakened ideals that put us ‘beneath’ another gender.”
Exactly, right?
We simply can’t allow ourselves to believe what’s said about us or how we’re portrayed. We are actually short-changing the fantastic, awesome wonderfulness that it is to be a woman and short-changing what we can offer – together with men.
Finally, another reader left the following YouTube clip. It was posted online only a few months ago and it’s your regular, fit, young man giving out some advice to ‘the brotherhood’ about women.
Some of the language used may offend some women.
And this is the type of guy that’s out there…
It’s not all of them – no – but they’re what’s in fashion now.
Any alarm bells ringing yet?
Thank you so much for all the engaging and insightful comments and calm discussion. Keep them coming!
Man or woman.
Deep Breath.
x
Rape Culture. Just the way things are.
December 29, 2012
Sorry for the heavy title, but a few articles popped up today, that have me incensed…again.
Why? Because the current reign of our ever-present Rape Culture, seeping into every crevice, is simply infuriating me.
The definition of Rape Culture from upsettingrapeculture.com, writes the following:
WHAT IS RAPE CULTURE?
In a rape culture, people are surrounded with images, language, laws, and other everyday phenomena that validate and perpetuate, rape. Rape culture includes jokes, TV, music, advertising, legal jargon, laws, words and imagery, that make violence against women and sexual coercion seem so normal that people believe that rape is inevitable. Rather than viewing the culture of rape as a problem to change, people in a rape culture think about the persistence of rape as “just the way things are.”This is what it means when people say that sexism and violence against women are “naturalised.” It means that people in our current society believe these attitudes and actions always have been, and always will be.
Just the way things are. Just are.
Question #126: Isn’t that the general reason/excuse for indifference?
Infuriating.
I started this post today after I saw the following article regarding the comments made by a Catholic Priest – Father Piero Corsi – in Italy:
Italians outraged by priest’s claim that women bring violence on themselves.
“The title of message was ‘Women and Femicide, How often do they provoke?’
“Father Piero Corsi said scantily dressed women bring out the worst instincts in men and cause violence or sexual abuse. He claimed women end up exacerbating tensions by ‘leaving children to themselves, having filthy houses, serving cold meals, buying fast food and providing dirty clothes.’ “
Great.
When will ‘the worst instincts in men’ be what attains the pressure from society to change?
No, no, no. It’s us – women. WE have to change…how we dress, how we act, what we say…
But…really…is that what the men in the church (and men in general maybe?) feel is the actual solution?
Will rape and violence against women cease to exist if we stopped wearing plunging necklines?…and stopped providing dirty clothes…and serving cold meals (is that a cold heart too?)…and…and…and…
We all know the answer to that is no.
Hence, we have a Rape Culture.
And yet, if all the rational people think that what’s happening is going down a dark, violent and septic alley, why are we not seeing anything being implemented to stop the continuing, harrowing statistics?
Now I have an even heavier heart due to reading that the poor girl who was gang raped in India, has just died from her injuries.
The following article was a response to the Indian girl’s rape itself, telling women they should carry chilli powder to throw in the eyes of their attacker and not go out at night.
How to prevent sexual assault (no chilli powder required)
Again, GREAT! Anything else for women to do?
This article does have a wonderful list of tips, however, that should actually be used to encourage a change. Tongue-in-cheek – yes – but you get what it’s saying:
Anne Bartow’s Sexual Assault Prevention Tips
1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behaviour.
2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!
3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!
4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.
5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!
6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.
8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.
9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!
10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “by accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.
Makes sense doesn’t it?
Here’s an idea: How about it’s NOT women who attempt to stop things, from a defence position; not being allowed to be themselves.
How about governments intervene from a ‘childhood educational angle’?
Tone down the amount of imagery that’s EVERYWHERE, like this:
I pulled up behind this bus when it was stopped. This is the moving billboard, distracting everyone who’s driving. And where’s the filter for all the developing brains who are taking it all in?
Woman=gagging for it (look at the image)=looove sex=rape.
Question #127: How about implementing a new program in schools? Australian National Curriculum?
We need something. Anything.
Deep Breath.
x
Questions for Us 