A moment of reflection.
February 1, 2013
I was breaking up a small altercation between my daughters tonight – where my eldest responded in a mean way to a kind gesture from her sister.
I was sitting on her bed, a short time later, discussing why she had responded in that way. I quietly said to her that there was enough nastiness in the world, let alone in our house with the ones we love. As I said it, I was looking at her bedside table lamp – it’s a lit up, Planet Earth.
So massive…and covered in exploitation; greed; hatred; violence; intolerance.
Everywhere – from war, to big business and in our very homes. People gaining from the suffering of others – whether emotionally or physically.
Yes, there’s love; kindness; empathy – I profoundly feel these within myself and know many who do too – but it’s not big enough. Mean is bigger.
Question #142: Why have we let our world become like this?
*Deep breath*
Today I start a new journey.
My husband had a serious accident playing soccer (football) last week.
He had just finished kicking the ball – so his foot was up a little – and his opponent came in very hard. His kick landed like a king-hit under my husband’s foot.
It smashed his ankle into his tibia, which split at the base, and then sent a crack up the tibia, where it fractured half way up the leg. The surgeon said he had never seen anything like it – only in car accidents. His leg is now in a contraption with pins keeping his leg in place and it will take a further two operations to hopefully get the job done.
In an instant, our world was turned on its heel – on many levels which I won’t bore you with.
The worst part is his suffering and for me it’s a helplessness at not being able to ease what he’s going through.
On another level – a different level – I feel a similar helplessness for our suffering world.
Why is today a new day?
Because when this accident happened, and the seriousness of my hubby’s injuries hit home, I felt a peace wash over me – a calm strength. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t had a few moments where I’ve had to breathe deep and refocus, but calmness is what ultimately gets us through life’s blindsides.
I’m going to do the same here, when discussing life’s issues with you.
At times, I have let my feelings of anger overwhelm my expression into something unleashed. I don’t like it when I do that. I lose you.
But my heart is in the right place.
I continue to fight for a balanced existence.
I feel it is the true secret to life – in every way.
I wish for a future where we shed our cloak of silence, stand up and push back on the practices that are taking over our world’s psyche in this detrimental way.
*Deep breath*
So, now we’re back to the chat with my daughters – back to the beginning – the place to start change:
Our children.
Strength to you all.
x
Why doesn’t HE just get in there then?
January 28, 2013
Tonight I read the following article by Richard Hinds in the SMH, about women’s tennis:
Women offer volume for money, but it’s Tsonga counting cost
Putting aside that it drips in contempt – about pretty much every aspect of women’s tennis – I find myself thinking rather peevedly…(yes, I’ve decided that it’s an adverb):
“Why don’t you get down to a court and play against Victoria Azarenka?
I bet you she would play rings around you”.
I know it also talks about cost and emotion etc. etc. but all of that diminishes these athletes’ worth.
Since when does women’s tennis have to be like men’s tennis to be valued?
It’s still two people of equal stature, battling it out.
It seems like Australians are becoming a bunch of judgemental whingers.
Sitting from lofty towers of perfection, looking down their noses at every crevice and every action of what and who surrounds them.
*****
The above was written last night before I fell asleep with the laptop on my lap.
I’m back now because a few things have popped up today, that have confirmed the feelings I had last night.
1. Due to Azarenka taking a 10 minute medical break in the semi of the Australian Open, the media (and in turn a good proportion of the general public) decided that that, was WRONG.
She was struggling before those 10 minutes, but then came back out and won.
Was it in the spirit of how that time should be utilised? Maybe not.
Can we say for sure that she was doomed to lose, had she not done it? Who knows.
Maybe she would have won anyway.
Well, today she won the Australian Open – in spite of mistakes being cheered and winning points being booed, throughout the entire final.
Who do those audience members think they are?
I wonder if they would have done the same to Federer? Or Djokovic? Booed them.
Food for thought…
2. My friend Kim (@ allconsuming.com.au) said she watched the Brene Brown TedX presentations on vulnerability and shame and that Brene mentions Roosevelt’s speech about the man in the arena.
This quote is magnificent:
“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”
“Citizenship in a Republic,”
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910
Man AND woman – in the arena.
Question #141: Can women finally be counted as also being in the arena?
But as women, with our own unique strengths, not pretend-men.
Such high horses.
Please. Give us all a break.
Deep Breath.
x
A MUST watch – especially for teen girls and young women.
January 26, 2013
Dr Caroline Heldman (who appeared in Missrepresentation) spoke at the TEDx Youth Conference, for twelve or so minutes – without pause. Amazing.
It’s a bloody brilliant presentation that encapsulates everything that is wrong with our current paradigm – delivered with clear-cut explanations, facts, research and solutions.
She looks at what sexual objectification is and whether it’s empowering.
An absolutely fantastic and succinct discourse.
Question #140: So, ladies – are we going to put an end to this self-destructive behaviour, once and for all?
Deep Breath.
x
The Male Privilege Checklist.
January 23, 2013
The following is a list compiled by a blogger named Barry Deutsch.
His list looks at how men are the privileged gender of our world. In his preface he states:
“Pointing out that men are privileged in no way denies that bad things happen to men. Being privileged does not mean men are given everything in life for free; being privileged does not mean that men do not work hard, do not suffer. In many cases – from a boy being bullied in school, to a soldier dying in war – the sexist society that maintains male privilege also does great harm to boys and men.
In the end, however, it is men and not women who make the most money; men and not women who dominate the government and the corporate boards; men and not women who dominate virtually all of the most powerful positions of society. And it is women and not men who suffer the most from intimate violence and rape; who are the most likely to be poor; who are, on the whole, given the short end of patriarchy’s stick.”
Whenever there are arguments about equality, there are always men who talk about how many men get the short end of the stick (a comment in response to this list does this).
We know that it’s true. But the (sometimes mortifying) obstacles women face – especially the more exposed or on-show they are – far, far outweigh those of men. Most times the injustices men face…come from other men.
So here it is:
Of course, I’m sure, there will be some points you may not agree with, but I have personally experienced quite a few of the inequalities listed because of my gender.
No longer is it some unspoken, secret boys’ club – feeding the dog of sexism under the table – it’s now infiltrated into our representation in all corners of the media; teaching a whole new ‘connected’ generation, with a reach that has, up until now, been unfathomable.
…and it’s working very, very, well.
Just look around. It’s an emergency.
Question #139: How do we turn around such entrenched perceptions and practices?
Guys?
Deep Breath.
x
Use-by date by 40? Or Best Before?
January 20, 2013
Question #138: Why is ‘young’ the only flavour on offer for women?
I am a 42 year old woman, just shy of my 43rd birthday, and I have a huge problem with the way females negatively discuss their age around the start of this decade. There is little doubt that the money-crunching wheel out there has had a lot to do with this toxic epidemic, as it’s at this time where a woman’s invisibility occurs in her representation – once she hits her ineffectual use-by date. 40.
Even if women see themselves as ‘Best Before’ 40 – it’s still a completely disheartening state of affairs. That’s a lot of sad females not reaching their amazing (and needed) potential in this crumbling social world, at the midpoint their lives.
From the article – The mysterious case of the disappearing women – comes the following:
“Try climbing through higher education, motherhood, self-employment, years of self-improvement, gyms, diets, abstinence of everything enjoyable – from ciggies to Magnums to suntans – to selflessness, to finally reach the summit of womanhood, fit, exultant and ready to fly – to find . . . a generational wipeout,” she ruminated in a column in The Sun-Herald.
“Visibility: zero. Scream ‘Where the bloody hell are you?’ all you like, but don’t look to the movies, the media or airwaves because, aside from Gillard, Germaine on Adam Hills in Gordon St Tonight the other week, glimpses of Jenny Brockie and Jennifer Byrne, Kristin Scott Thomas and Juliette Binoche buried deep within the bowels of a French film festival, there’s barely anyone out there who represents my age group.” Ouch.
Ouch indeed.
The documentary Miss Representation, disclosed statistics showing that although women aged 40+ comprise a large chunk of our gender, we are microscopically misrepresented in the media – especially in film.
What we are being saturated with, are images of women in their 20s – generally looking perky and ‘hot’. The damage this does to our developing young girls alone, is something that should inspire us to act in a more positive light towards our aging bodies. But no.
Even though women in their 30s are still attractively visible – there’s no denying that it’s the decade when it all starts to trickle down to being transparent. The irony is that many women who are in the limelight, struggle through that decline kicking and screaming, disfiguring their faces with injections and surgery, only to still end up on the ‘too old’ scrapheap. Double irony? Their male counterparts are doing just fine in their (generally) natural, greying and lumpy selves. And they don’t look freakish.
It’s been said a million times (which just imbeds that frustration in a bit further) but this is happening because a woman’s true value and efficacy is being packaged to solely be attached to her youthful glow and, in turn, her sexual allure. Can’t be older AND be sexually attractive! Goodness me. That’s simply not possible.
My eyes! My eyes!
Doesn’t it infuriate women to know that even though they spend billions on ‘improving’ themselves (just like they tell us to), it hasn’t afforded them any more airtime?
How sad that for many females, in this time when they are truly coming into their own skin and really start to understand who they are; where they want to run out onto the street and toss their hat up in the air like Mary Tyler Moore – is the exact moment society doesn’t want to know. I found myself feeling vital and energised when I turned 40, in many areas of my life and I know that there are many, MANY women who feel the same – so where are the tales of my fellow sisters in the same proverbial boat?
It would be simply marvellous to actually hear the stories of women’s life experiences – with a spectrum of what’s possible – not just witness the same narrative over and over again, where the story is about the male and his destiny and the young and ‘gorgeous’ girl chases guy for love (or support), or worse still, we actually DO see the wonderful achievements of women, only to have them be overshadowed by her outfit or cellulite issues.
We’re ever so much more.
I would also like to strenuously point out that if, on average, we live to the age of 80:
Are we really saying we’re going to be depressed for HALF our lives about our age?
>>>> Half our lives?? <<<<
Surely NOT!
Embrace the magnificent being you are and get out there and enjoy those next 40 years! That’s an order.
Deep Breath.
x
You have to look after yourselves, girls. Take it from me.
January 18, 2013
Whether you’re a busy mum at home, a full-time worker or sit somewhere, anywhere, in between these two extremes; whether you have children or not –
Women MUST look after themselves.
Two days ago, at about 3pm, I fainted here at home and took a heavy spill.
It was a combination of three logical components that brought it about – which makes it even more concerning; how quickly we neglect the simple things.
1. No water.
It was a hot day – low 30s – and I hadn’t drunk any water yet.
2. No food.
I was waiting for my cousin (who was visiting from Perth with her fiancé) to have lunch. Their road trip got delayed. At around quarter to three, I was reheating my lunch when they arrived. So it got put off again.
3. Heat.
The girls were in the pool, so we went out back. I started to clean the pool for the girls and move the vacuum out of the way. I got very hot.
When I went inside, the change of bright to darker light and hot to less-hot, made my head spin. I thought it would pass, so I started to offer my cousin lunch options.
Suddenly my brain froze, turned robotic and shouted, “GET TO YOUR BED! NOW!”
I mumbled something incoherent to my cousin and started to walk down the narrow-ish corridor – my finger tips touching the wall for support.
My knees buckled and I slammed against the wall like I was in a pin-ball machine. That first jolt made me ‘wake’ for a second, which made me straighten up – at which point I blacked out enough to slam my way onto the tiled floor. I can still remember the smack of me hitting the tiles.
My cousin saw me fall and I heard the panic in her voice. I sat up in a daze and it took a while for my mind to start rationalising how I got there. I was covered in sweat.
The injuries were as follows:
I sprained my left ankle, fell heavily just under my right knee, badly bruised my right arm (I rarely bruise) and my left bum bone took a hit.
Question #137: And why do women do this to themselves?
Because we instinctively but other people or other tasks before ourselves. Although all women aren’t like that, it IS the wonderful part of our nature that sometimes gets abused – especially by us.
So, keep up your fluids (especially if you’re in Sydney – just checked the temp. It’s 1.15pm and it’s reached 44.1 C/ 111 F! Hot damn!), eat and stay out of the heat if you can. I know that’s hard for some people – a cool shower, maybe.
Just take care.
Paula x
Well, I’m off to hang the washing. The first pieces I hang will probably be dry by the time I finish the rest.
To the good men who need to speak up.
January 16, 2013
I have been amazed at the number of men in internet debates (albeit small) who still insist on irrational arguments – such as that rape is a woman-made epidemic, saturated with finger-pointers who have changed their mind about having sex with some poor man.
As much as I know that this occurs from time to time, I find it truly astounding that these men insist on this kind of discourse, against the statistically devastating evidence of rape and violence against women.
The frustration I feel, however, with all the fiery discussions that are igniting the internet at the moment, is how the predominant male voices – who are responding to what an abundance of women are saying – seem to be men with the above perspectives. Even if you label them as ‘trolls’, it doesn’t take away from the fact that the conversation is between women and these few men.
Where are the good guys’ voices?
It’s the lack of empathy that seems to be rife amongst these types of men who seem to want to stand up for their gender, however shameful its behaviour is. This is where my logical brain AND heart begin to ache because I can’t understand how so. many. of these types of men, fail to stop and think, “This could have happened to someone I dearly love.”
They can’t think it can happen to them, because statistically it’s microscopically low. Is this where their lack of empathy stems from?
If a fellow male (a good guy) does venture into the conversation to make a comment about the grim state of affairs with women, he is generally greeted with insults. I thought this cartoon by Gabby’s Playhouse is spot on:
Question #136: Is this why the good guys are silent?
I have seen MANY comments from men who demean another man for suggesting things need to change – as if the ‘brotherhood’ has now attained a weak link – who must be pounced upon and destroyed, in a similar vein to how the women are addressed.
I came across this following clip that is from a few years ago, showing how a panel of men – although it’s one alpha male voice who’s in control – must decide a woman’s fate in regards to her calling out a highly stationed man to being sexually inappropriate.
This scenario, in my opinion, encapsulates the battle all women have with being heard and BELIEVED, when the stakes are high – in other words, when it’s her word against his.
Of course, there are men present who attempted to help this woman, but they are immediately shot down by the alpha male – as he loudly claims to be offended by them questioning his methods – and they quietly slink back and remain silent.
What hope do women have to be believed and gain justice, when even fellow men are shot down into silence?
Until we realise that there is no ‘him’ or ‘her’, that a woman seeking justice is only doing just that, not waging war on the male gender – we have no hope of evolving.
We are simply people. People who suffer from the hands of other people and if someone has done the wrong thing, regardless of gender, then they should do the time for the crime.
Deep Breath.
x
A Woman’s Thoughts about Women (1858)
January 14, 2013
For Christmas, I received the truly magnificent, original book I called: A Woman’s Thoughts about Women by Dinah Craik – published in 1858.
The cover is barely holding it together (I feel like Indiana Jones handling a priceless artefact), but the words are strong and beautifully expressed. I find myself raising my eyebrows and shaking my head a little as I read her thoughts, confirming the notion that little has changed in at least 150 years.
This is disconcerting, to say the least. I have always intimated that people have essentially stayed the same ‘on the inside’, but is that changing now with our ever-shrinking world? One that has lost its ability to protect us against the saturation of opinion?
At least this is one person’s opinion I am interested in.
There are so many issues that I want to share form this book and lifestyles from a bygone era, that’s it’s hard to know where to begin. Flicking through, I landed on the chapter title that resonated with me: Women of the World.
Dinah writes:
‘What will the next generation come to? What will they be – those unborn millions who are to grow up into our men and our women? The possible result, even in a practical, to say nothing of a moral light, is awful to think upon. Can it not be averted? Can we not – since, while the power of the world is with men, the influence lies with women – can we not bring up our girls more usefully and less showily?
Can we not teach them from babyhood that to labour is a higher thing than merely to enjoy; that even enjoyment itself is never so sweet as when it has been earned? Can we not put into their minds, whatever be their station, principles of truth, simplicity of taste, helpfulness, hatred of waste; and, these being firmly rooted, trust to their blossoming up in whatever destiny the young maiden may be called to?’
A woman after my own heart.
Better still, her words can equally be applied to our young boys – all people, really.
What simple, logical and fantastic guidelines to live by.
Question #135: So what does the future hold for us, knowing the same questions were being asked 150 years ago?
If we envision dark days – can it not be averted? Evidence seems to point to the gloomy fact that no, it can’t. I long for a time when we can look back at our ridiculous notions of gender roles and see that they have (in the long run) made us worse and more pigeon-holed than ever. Males in power; females on show and all that’s in between.
I wonder what Dinah would think of today’s state of affairs…how intriguing would that conversation be?
Deep Breath.
x
Dinah Craik
One for the boys…
January 12, 2013
But also a fantastic article for all women to read.
Michael J Dolan, self-reflects and awakens:
It’s sobering to read what ‘typically’ goes into a set.
Question #134: Is this type of guy/man (the unaware misogynist) a big problem?
Bringing up daughters.
January 11, 2013
The following article has resonated with me deeply.
It’s fantastic.
I connected with this piece as a mother, as a mother of daughters, as a teacher of young women and as a girl who grew up with the same social ideals – just not as intense as they are now.
As a mum, I’ve often felt this and written about it:
Most girls lack a grasp of basic feminism to help them understand that many of their experiences are the result of growing up in a profoundly unequal world, and therefore not their own fault. Parents can only do so much.
I’ve heard the cliché often – that if they’ve good morals at home, the kids will be right.
Well, that would mean that my girls will be great – but am I enough against the ever-infiltrating, predatory world around them?
As a teacher I have always said the following to my teen students:
And I see how so many young women still assume that their needs come behind those of the boys they form relationships with, absorbing the message that they are lucky to have been chosen at all, when they are the ones who should be doing the choosing.
Young women and teenage girls have lost that power – it’s been given away and only women can get it back – the right to choose. They seem quite chuffed with merely being chosen and then work really hard to maintain being the chosen one.
I know. I’ve been there many times before.
Read this article. See if there are any entrenched ideals that can be shifted within you.
Imagine the profound effect on the world, if we just let our daughters, sisters, wives, girlfriends, aunts and grandmothers be their true selves.
One that doesn’t just revolve around looks and sex – or more to the point nowadays:
Looking sexy (no age restrictions).
The perils and pitfalls of bringing up daughters
Question #133: What passions do the women/girls in your life have?
Ask them. Then encourage them.
Deep Breath.
x
PS The book Raising Girls by Steve Buddulph looks pretty awesome.
“Raising Girls is a beautiful new book written as a response to the crisis in the mental health of girls. Girls are under assault from an exploitive, harsh culture, and need our help to become stronger and freer. This book is a guidebook for your own daughter at every age, and a call to arms in the wider culture. ITS EASY TO READ, HAS MANY POWERFUL STORIES, AND COVERS BABYHOOD RIGHT THROUGH TO ADULTHOOD.”
I’m going to get one.
Questions for Us 