Two stories. Two 11 year old boys.
July 29, 2013
Last year, I wrote the post – Sex…education? – about my concern over our youth’s access to just about any type of porn on the internet – at their fingertips.
Playing with porn is a recent article pretty much declaring the same.
This porn paradigm is destroying a lot of our kids – it really is – and we just allow pornographers and the punters to indulge – either by watching it or making money off it – at the expense of our girls…AND our boys.
In fact, we are breeding the worst in some of our boys and girls/men and women, and the collective silence is allowing it.
In just one week I heard a few personal stories from great women I know, regarding porn – accessed through the internet – by 11 year old boys (one a son, the other a nephew).
That’s young, isn’t it? 11?
Story #1
NEPHEW: The Aunt, with her very young sons – below 5 years of age – had their 11 year old cousin visit them in the holidays.
She thought that he was showing the young boys a game on his smart phone.
It turned out to be porn images.
The Aunt found herself pouncing to deflect her sons’ focus off the images – without drawing too much attention and making a fuss at the same time.
What she also felt was incensed – not just with the fact that her nephew was doing what he was doing – but also the ease with which he was able to ‘share’.
Story #2
SON: The mother called out to her 11 year old son to come to her when at home.
He appeared – upset – saying, “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to see it! I didn’t see much!”
The mother was merely going to ask him a question, but instead found herself thinking, ‘Oh no. What has he done?’
The poor boy had googled ‘Angry Birds’ and it seems porn companies will pay Google through the teeth to advertise on the top page, when those words are put in.
Predatory.
This normal, curious boy clicked on the ad because it was deceptively luring him in with information about Angry Birds.
It was a porn site.
The boy was quite upset by what he saw – on many levels.
His mother saw the shame he felt and immediately comforted him on the fact that it was NOT his fault.
It’s not the fault of any of these boys because the problem is what’s out there and its accessibility.
What’s out there, you ask?
Well, Red Tube.
Another friend told me her 12 year old son – still six months shy of entering high school – was informed by a school friend of this site.
I just looked it up and the homepage alone is utterly and horrifically graphic.
As this site loaded its welcome and revealed itself, I can tell you that I was NOT prepared with what appeared.
Simple shock was what hit me first – like a rabbit in headlights – followed by an overwhelming wave of indignant fury at this site’s very existence and finally, a very real sense of helplessness that boys who are still in Primary School are looking – learning – experiencing something many will not understand – and then passing around the name of this site to friends.
Surely the logic in our minds has to admit that the porn that’s accessible today, as well as how it’s made, is dangerous, sinister and toxic.
How can boys navigate through this, without it affecting their mental health (in terms of sex)?
How are parents, who are already finding themselves overwhelmed, supposed to help their sons form healthy, loving and respectful relationships with women, when what they see in porn is the COMPLETE opposite?
I can’t help but feel a sense of despair – and all for an industry saturated in money, dominance and violence.
Is this what we want for our sons and daughters?
Question #176: Can’t people see things are very, very wrong?
On Friday Night, SBS aired the following documentary:
Love and Sex in an Age of Pornography
(This link expires on the 9th August – please make time to watch this)
This is a fantastic collection of perspectives (from Australia) by many young adults, in relation to the porn industry.
The girls broke my heart – too many beautiful, young girls covering their tears with laughter…sitting with their agent who is literally filth.
The juxtaposition between them and him only compounds how it’s all VERY out of whack.
Below there is a petition which is following the UK’s footsteps – where a law has been passed, compulsorily putting filters and stops to porn (adult content) from reaching any computer – unless asked for – as well as making it illegal to make rape porn.
Bloody brilliant.
We want to do the same, here in Australia…
How wonderful would that be?
Deep Breath
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![gty_teen_porn_addiction_jp_120507_wg[1]](https://questionsforus.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/gty_teen_porn_addiction_jp_120507_wg1.jpg)
The Man Box
July 10, 2013
I had a chat with my husband the other night about how I write about men, if men are the focus of that particular post. It came up because I asked him why men seemed hard to get through to – the good ones – because the first reaction is to somehow take it personally.
My husband was saying that I can’t bundle every man into the same box – which I completely agree with. I explained that in my mind, I absolutely don’t – but that it’s hard not to when I’m writing of the problems we face, based on statistics that come with with men’s actions.
How else can it be done?
It’s important to also understand that I hover the magnifying glass over women just as closely – if not more so. Therefore crying misandry is a mute point here.
I know – I really do – that the good men (like my husband) find the act of rape abhorrent, for example, and I also know they would never lay a violent hand on a woman – just as my husband has never laid a hand on me or on our two daughters.
They want the best for the women in their lives.
I’m afraid, though, that it’s no longer enough.
The fight has to spread beyond the walls of our home; as the horrifying outside world encroaches ever so much closer to touching our own lives – especially our girls.
How am I to express to you good males – from my/our perspective (because it counts) – the effect the male gender is having on its partner?
Partner, not enemy.
The Yang to its Yin:
‘Yin and yang are in pairs, such as the moon and the sun, female and male, dark and bright, cold and hot, passive and active, etc. But yin and yang are not static or just two separated things. The nature of yinyang lies in interchange and interplay of the two components. The alternation of day and night is such an example.’ *
Statistically – in the BIG scheme of things – it’s a mean, sad and violent union with females:
* Personally: domestic violence + rape + VAW
* Politically: low % of women represented in government + legislation on women (only) and their bodies and
* Economically: >10% of women in clout positions in all top areas of media, publishing & business + lower pay (77c to a male’s $1).
When you step back and read the above statistics – logically – it doesn’t resonate well.
It’s unfair.
It looks like a bit of a boys’ club.
Don’t the good men feel that women and girls deserve a fairer shake of the stick?
I have often recognised and asked for the assistance of the good men on this blog.
I reach out for advice.
Sadly to deaf ears it seems, as I never actually receive suggestions of what approaches might be taken that may work on the men doing their gender a MASSIVE disservice or on the young boys who are suckling on a teat which teaches them, from an early age, to objectify women and therefore see them as less.
You live in the male realm – I don’t.
* Is it all the fault of males? No.
* Are women to blame for contributing to the imbalance? Of course they are.
You can’t have a porn t-shirt, showing a woman’s objectified body, without the woman’s participation. But we are still, ultimately, comparing apples to oranges.
The following video is a Ted Talk called MAN BOX by Tony Porter.
This is a good man, speaking up about the traits boys are raised on and how that has affected HIM personally. Boys need to see more of this.
So back to you good men.
Question # 174: Do you permit the imbalance to continue, through your silence?
I feel there are good men/bad men; good women/bad women.
I imagine a bell curve where the big, bulging, bell part is full of goodness.
But the voice, the shout, the outrage; predominantly bellows out of women. Men at times agree, of course, but where are the EQUALLY loud male voices and blogs calling out for a transformation to this paradigm?
Careful not to stumble on and trip over all the Facebook pages about sluts…
Using the Nanny State excuse leaves us hopeless because there must be a moment where the line is crossed.
Haven’t we already crossed it?
I thought I’d leave you with this collection of comments left on people’s Twitter accounts about the Female Wimbledon Champion Marion Bartoli.
THIS is hatred.
Many of the comments were left by men with images that suggest they’re in a relationship.
How do we change this, guys?
Deep Breath
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* chineseculture.about.com
The fear I feel.
June 28, 2013
Recently I went to a small, two-hour course – which was quite a way away – so I decided to park at the station and catch the train in.
It was about 9.00pm when I started my trek home. It was dark and the going-home crowds had drastically thinned out.
This may seem irrational, but a teeny fear factor starts to kick in when I’m alone and at night. Not an all out fear – but most definitely a heightened sense of awareness.
I start to notice men more and I start to evaluate them – their possible danger factor. Stereotypically mostly – their age and/or their dress – but other times it’s if I catch them watching me. They’re the creepiest.
Is that fair? Do men feel insulted by me saying that? I don’t know – but the violent rape culture that has permeated our world dictates to me that it can happen anywhere; anytime; by anyone; TO anyone.
If I don’t do this and something happens, won’t the first point of the discussion be the judgment against me for putting myself in a ‘bad situation’? Or the fact I was wearing leggings and have nice legs? Victim blaming is rife in our culture.
I had to alight a practically empty train – I was the only one in my carriage when I got off (a little unnerving) – and had to walk in the dark to my car. I kept turning around to check noone was behind me, as I saw a young man dressed in rapper clothes also get off the train at my stop.
When I got in my car, I needed to turn on the wipers and didn’t see the slug that subsequently got smeared across my windscreen. Slug goo everywhere – yuck. I pulled into a petrol station to clean it off.
There was a gang of young men wearing hoodies at the paying window of the service station. Just them and me. I thought – there’s three of them and I’m alone but the chances of something happening are low…or are they?
That’s the conundrum and it feels like crap to live like this.
Let me tell you that my heightened state was compounded by the fact that slug goo is NOT easy to get off – I kept getting in my car, to have to get out again and give it another go – all the while keeping my eye on the young men.
Question #171: Can men truly understand how this feels?
Now, I consider myself quite strong in character and can stand up for myself in many situations, but I can’t help but feel a sense of uneasiness when I’m alone – especially at night – in this evermore dangerous world.
I often tell my students that FEAR is – False Evidence Appearing Real – as a way to help them navigate through fears that stunt their ability to forge their way forward.
In this case, however, I’m not sure if it is false evidence.
Statistically it’s not false.
Deep Breath.
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The Misogyny Factor
June 16, 2013
A few weeks ago, my mum and I went to the Sydney Writers’ Festival to watch Anne Summers speak about her new book, The Misogyny Factor. Anne has worked as a senior bureaucrat and political adviser, and is the former editor-in-chief of the landmark feminist New York based Ms. magazine.
She was wonderful.
Articulately pointing out logical and factual anomalies in the fabric of our unbalanced existence, in the never-ending search for equality.
Some facts:
- By simply being female, a woman will earn 1 million dollars less than a male, in her lifetime – 1 million – or the fact that an HSC male (high school graduate) will earn more than a university post-grad female.
- That the control of a woman’s 1. Financial Independence and 2. Fertility plus the ever-growing 3. Violence against Women, have us in a grand old pickle.
Anne mentioned three words:
Inclusion – Equality – Respect.
These are the words we must ALL aim for – for a better world…for ALL.
We must strive for governments and policies that go about securing us inclusion, equality and respect.
Following are a few of Anne’s perceptions that she wrote in the introduction to her book.
They just resonated with me (well, it all did, really):
- ‘I nominate the misogyny factor is the obstacle.’
- ‘If misogyny is the theory of women’s inferiority and unworthiness and, therefore, unsuitability to be equal players in our society, sexism is the everyday expression of it.’
- ‘These people believe that, once they are mothers, women just do not belong in the world outside the home. They also tend to have the conviction that all women ought to be mothers and, therefore, confined to the domestic sphere. Such views can be, and are, held by women as well as men.’
- ‘My starting point is the absurdity of a society predicated on a double standard: men can be fulfilled as fathers and as workers, yet we still argue the toss about whether women can ‘have it all’.’
The last point is the crux.
Question #167: Why does this double standard truly exist?
My delay in writing about seeing Anne and listening to her fantastic-ness, was due to the fact that within those two weeks, the news was choc-full of misogyny galore!
And these are just the ones that made the news. The cold and sad reality for many women suffering similar actions go generally ignored or ‘unseen’.
We must start to see…
1.
We had Collective Shout and many women – from all around the globe – speaking out against rapper Tyler the Creator coming to Australia to perform his sexist, racist, homophobic, hate – with lyrics containing violence against women, such as:
“Rape a pregnant bitch and tell my friends I had a threesome,”
“Keep that bitch locked up in my storage, rape her and record it.”
New Zealand didn’t permit him entry into their country, but not only did Australia grant him a Visa, he performed all around Australia in places like the Enmore Theatre in Sydney to all-ages audiences.
???
{A future post will look at how the objection to have Tyler come out here, meant the predominant women who spoke up, received a barrage of threats of rape and violence against themselves and their families, by Tyler’s fans online.}
2.
We had a Liberal Party fundraiser menu – click here – which featured our Prime Minister as a dish, demeaning her down to the features of her body, including her pubic hair.
Our Prime Minister.
3.
PM Julia Gillard was again insulted a few days later when radio ‘journalist’, Howard Sattler, decided to ask personal questions about her partner’s sexuality and pushing for an answer.
He was sacked.
I wrote on the radio station’s FB page:
‘She is our Prime Minister and this dismissal was a good call.
Like Ms Gillard or not, the job commands our respect.
There would have been justifiable outrage if John Howard were asked about ANYTHING sexual about him or his wife.
This radio station demonstrated respect for our Prime Minister. Well done.’
4.
Australia’s Army Chief gives a stern warning telling sexist soldiers to get out of the army after:
“Following revelations of further “demeaning, explicit and profane” behaviour by his army members.”
5.
In a moment of go-knows-what, the Socceroos coach, Holger Osieck, whilst being directed to his seat for a press conference, is heard saying:
“You push me around like my wife.”
He then said something in Latin, which he then translated to:
“Women should shut-up in public.”
These examples all occurred within a two week period – the last four within just one week – two of which were against our female Prime Minister.
Inclusion – Equality – Respect.
I leave you with a question Anne Summers wrote within her introduction:
Question #168: What exactly do we need to do to ensure our society promotes equality and makes it possible for women, as well as men, to live they want?
Deep Breath
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Is this the answer to domestic violence?
June 1, 2013
I have never been more moved by a piece of footage.
Patrick Stewart – who played Captain Jean Luc Picard in the Star Trek, The Next Generation series – is a man whose answer to a question from an audience member of Trekkie fans, has left me in complete awe.
What an absolute legend. So articulate and succinct.
Whether man or woman – watch this – because he speaks to us all.
A beautiful and intimate message, full of action and promise – and balance.
See it to the very last frame.
Question #163: Is it possible to think we could reach this sort of understanding and action us toward change?
I really, REALLY hope so.
Deep Breath.
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Violence against Women #3 – a visual look.
May 26, 2013
For those who don’t like to read too much, here is a look at some sobering statistics – through images.
75% try to commit suicide…is that what we want?
Rihanna after Chris Brown beating.
We NEED to talk about this.
Question #162: What can you do to help create a paradigm that abhors this treatment against fellow human beings; before it affects you or someone you love?
Challenge people more often?
Challenge our government to enforce the laws that are there?
Challenge our government to tighten laws?
Report?
Help protect potential victims?
You tell me…
Deep Breath
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A response to last post on Violence Against Women.
May 26, 2013
On my Facebook page I received a response from my friend Suzi, who pointed out the tricky legalities of the case I discussed in my last post.
She wrote:
“This case has some serious questions that need to be asked. The police were called that evening and no charges were made – now, in a case like this the woman herself doesn’t need to lay charges and if the police had attended to find someone in a state like this charges would have been made. My understanding is the woman was in the house shared by T’eo and was with another player, in his room. This other player is married and the woman was asked by the other two to leave. I guess it could be argued they were trying to protect their friend from a scandal and they called the police when she wouldn’t leave. He informed the club he plays for immediately and they spoke to the police. I wasn’t in the room, I don’t know what happened, how he reacted, how she reacted to being asked to leave and I don’t know what the police saw when they arrived but this is what ‘he said’ and what ‘she said’. She didn’t press charges, channel 9 paid her for her story, she waited 3 months before coming forward to the media and I think if we begin the slippery slope of believing one person over another based solely on gender we are going to end up in a worse place than we are now. We have great freedom in Australia but with great freedom comes great responsibility and I’ve got to say, I don’t think us women are living up to that responsibility in many ways. I’m a card carrying feminist, and that’s why I have come to believe that. Women can manipulate, they can harass, they have just as much ability to abuse as anyone. I’ve just started my law studies again and looking at Family Law cases is an example of how our rights can sometimes not be taken with the requisite responsibility, just as a trip to the city on a train on a Friday night can be a depressing display of near nudity, drunken screeching and sole crushing self abuse. Each case is different and, for me, we have achieved equality when the gender of those involved isn’t an issue and only the actions of individuals are scrutinised.”
You may think that I disagree with Suzi, but I don’t.
She’s right – we do need to talk about each case as it occurs and judge the actions of each party. But the problem I have is that I don’t think we’re getting the true exposure to the cross-section of cases that are occurring in reality, through our media.
I responded with the following:
“I also grapple with a lot of the same feelings as you and I sometimes find it hard to truly articulate them clearly, as they rush through me.
I did hear that charges weren’t pressed and realised it wasn’t that black and white (it never seems to be when it involves a ‘star’).
I certainly didn’t write this to blame T’eo specifically – it’s just that I saw a woman with a broken eye socket and in the one thing that does divide our genders (generally) – brute strength – I just saw another example of brutality and ask what could she have done?
What do any women who do find themselves of the end of violence, done to deserve it? And there’s a lot of them.
The other bummer is that this happens all the time, (every few minutes?) to women everywhere and the only reporting we get is of the dodgy, weird case with no clear outcome, which paints women as being deceptive – which they may have been, of course – but if that’s all that’s the only type of news story we receive, then a clear picture is painted about women typically lying.
I think that’s deceptive and dangerous, when it’s all we see.
The more reporting like this – the more difficult it is for the majority of women who have had their rights violated, to come forward and ask for help.
I COMPLETELY agree with you about women also having responsibility – I wrote a post a few weeks ago which asked how women disrespect men.
I think we have a looong way to go, hence why I started the blog and named it Questions for Women.”
I’m not pointing the finger of blame to any particular person with my last post – I was merely commenting of the lack of exposure to the very real and horrifying statistics of violence against women by men and wonder where the ad campaigns, pushing for change, are.
But call a man an ape…
Deep Breath
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What I asked my husband.
May 25, 2013
What a day.
It has certainly put a fire in my belly.
I took my mum to see Anne Summers talk about her new book, The Misogyny Factor, as a part of the Sydney Writers’ Festival.
Amazing.
I’m busting to write about it and will soon. There’s a lot to digest, however, and I want to make sure I articulate it correctly and give it its due respect. This is a word Anne used a lot and it’s something that’s deeply lacking toward women.
Now we skip to this evening and the news has begun.
The story I saw was the one where a ‘Schoolgirl apologises to ‘heartbroken’ Sydney Swans star‘, Adam Goodes because of her racist taunt – calling him an ‘ape’ – whilst he was playing.
I think racism is revolting and I understand how he felt.
I was treated poorly growing up due to racist attitudes (against Spanish speakers, apparently!), so I know how it feels.
So let me make it clear that I believe that racism is a social toxin that must always be fought.
They even showed a snippet of the ad being televised, encouraging racism to be abolished in sport.
Fantastic.
Now there was another story in the news a few days ago, that also related to sport.
This one has an image of a woman with a black eye (ended up being a broken eye socket) and she alleges she was assaulted by Queensland Origin forward Ben Te’o.
He denies it. Of course.
What incident could possibly warrant that sort of violence?
What?
Against a woman with three men the size of refrigerators, who are part of a football code with a history of violent behaviour against women.
And yet the woman – with a broken eye socket – is being vilified by men AND women (shame on them) for all the reasons that, what, she deserved it in some way?
Would you ever feel you deserved it?
I feel like we’re a world gone mad.
When will our society rally behind women, believe them and find the justice she deserves?
They can’t ALL be liars.
Another disgrace: If not him – who?
Once a ‘celebrity’ is cleared of violence, the case is closed.
So it’s not about finding out who did it and give justice to the victim…
I mean someone did it.
OJ Simpson springs to mind – if not him, WHO?
Who cares, right? As long as it wasn’t the male ‘star’.
When all this whirled through my mind – as I watched the nation stand still and listen, truly listen, to how heartbroken Adam Goodes felt about being on the receiving end of a racist taunt – I turned to my husband and asked:
“Why do men hate women so much?”
I explained my above thoughts on racism – but I simply couldn’t understand how a racist word gets the coverage it should, while a smashed up woman’s face doesn’t. Again.
Like countless before this victim, it’s the women with the serious physical injuries who are still the ones investigated and given the third degree – in 2013.
Why? Because he said, “I didn’t do it.”?
We are the gentler sex. We are.
Why do men want to squash that? Control it? Violate it?
And worse still, why is it defended?
As the news continued – all the negative stories were violent ones – all done by men; including the hacking death of a man in broad daylight on a London street.
This world needs women.
It’s time to make way for us to fill the space that’s been left empty and fill the void that can tip things back into balance.
BALANCE. Not war to take over. Work side by side, FFS.
Equal in participation and respect.
And it starts by doing everything we can to give justice to women, when they have been treated like animals; beneath men – by men.
Question #161: Where’s the ad for that?
Deep Breath
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To the good men who need to speak up.
January 16, 2013
I have been amazed at the number of men in internet debates (albeit small) who still insist on irrational arguments – such as that rape is a woman-made epidemic, saturated with finger-pointers who have changed their mind about having sex with some poor man.
As much as I know that this occurs from time to time, I find it truly astounding that these men insist on this kind of discourse, against the statistically devastating evidence of rape and violence against women.
The frustration I feel, however, with all the fiery discussions that are igniting the internet at the moment, is how the predominant male voices – who are responding to what an abundance of women are saying – seem to be men with the above perspectives. Even if you label them as ‘trolls’, it doesn’t take away from the fact that the conversation is between women and these few men.
Where are the good guys’ voices?
It’s the lack of empathy that seems to be rife amongst these types of men who seem to want to stand up for their gender, however shameful its behaviour is. This is where my logical brain AND heart begin to ache because I can’t understand how so. many. of these types of men, fail to stop and think, “This could have happened to someone I dearly love.”
They can’t think it can happen to them, because statistically it’s microscopically low. Is this where their lack of empathy stems from?
If a fellow male (a good guy) does venture into the conversation to make a comment about the grim state of affairs with women, he is generally greeted with insults. I thought this cartoon by Gabby’s Playhouse is spot on:
Question #136: Is this why the good guys are silent?
I have seen MANY comments from men who demean another man for suggesting things need to change – as if the ‘brotherhood’ has now attained a weak link – who must be pounced upon and destroyed, in a similar vein to how the women are addressed.
I came across this following clip that is from a few years ago, showing how a panel of men – although it’s one alpha male voice who’s in control – must decide a woman’s fate in regards to her calling out a highly stationed man to being sexually inappropriate.
This scenario, in my opinion, encapsulates the battle all women have with being heard and BELIEVED, when the stakes are high – in other words, when it’s her word against his.
Of course, there are men present who attempted to help this woman, but they are immediately shot down by the alpha male – as he loudly claims to be offended by them questioning his methods – and they quietly slink back and remain silent.
What hope do women have to be believed and gain justice, when even fellow men are shot down into silence?
Until we realise that there is no ‘him’ or ‘her’, that a woman seeking justice is only doing just that, not waging war on the male gender – we have no hope of evolving.
We are simply people. People who suffer from the hands of other people and if someone has done the wrong thing, regardless of gender, then they should do the time for the crime.
Deep Breath.
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Question for men – #5
November 26, 2012
Yesterday, 25th November, was White Ribbon Day – a male-led campaign to stop violence against women.
The following article is an edited version of a speech given by Ken Lay, the Chief Commissioner of Victoria Police.
It includes some sobering facts and haunting situations. It practically seems unrealistic.
“We create the environment in which these people– who are 95 per cent men – think it is OK to do what they do.”
There must be something that can be done to change this.
Surely.
Not see women as the enemy?
What?
The ugly reality of violence against women
And please guys, don’t take this personally. I’m sure the majority of you reading this have never laid a finger on a woman or girl…BUT it doesn’t take away from the fact that the male gender is doing this.
You (guys) know how men tick – better than I, or any other woman, ever will – so:
Question #114: What’s the solution? How do we start to turn things around in this area?
Deep Breath for all women living violent and violated lives.
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Questions for Us 