Use-by date by 40? Or Best Before?
January 20, 2013
Question #138: Why is ‘young’ the only flavour on offer for women?
I am a 42 year old woman, just shy of my 43rd birthday, and I have a huge problem with the way females negatively discuss their age around the start of this decade. There is little doubt that the money-crunching wheel out there has had a lot to do with this toxic epidemic, as it’s at this time where a woman’s invisibility occurs in her representation – once she hits her ineffectual use-by date. 40.
Even if women see themselves as ‘Best Before’ 40 – it’s still a completely disheartening state of affairs. That’s a lot of sad females not reaching their amazing (and needed) potential in this crumbling social world, at the midpoint their lives.
From the article – The mysterious case of the disappearing women – comes the following:
“Try climbing through higher education, motherhood, self-employment, years of self-improvement, gyms, diets, abstinence of everything enjoyable – from ciggies to Magnums to suntans – to selflessness, to finally reach the summit of womanhood, fit, exultant and ready to fly – to find . . . a generational wipeout,” she ruminated in a column in The Sun-Herald.
“Visibility: zero. Scream ‘Where the bloody hell are you?’ all you like, but don’t look to the movies, the media or airwaves because, aside from Gillard, Germaine on Adam Hills in Gordon St Tonight the other week, glimpses of Jenny Brockie and Jennifer Byrne, Kristin Scott Thomas and Juliette Binoche buried deep within the bowels of a French film festival, there’s barely anyone out there who represents my age group.” Ouch.
Ouch indeed.
The documentary Miss Representation, disclosed statistics showing that although women aged 40+ comprise a large chunk of our gender, we are microscopically misrepresented in the media – especially in film.
What we are being saturated with, are images of women in their 20s – generally looking perky and ‘hot’. The damage this does to our developing young girls alone, is something that should inspire us to act in a more positive light towards our aging bodies. But no.
Even though women in their 30s are still attractively visible – there’s no denying that it’s the decade when it all starts to trickle down to being transparent. The irony is that many women who are in the limelight, struggle through that decline kicking and screaming, disfiguring their faces with injections and surgery, only to still end up on the ‘too old’ scrapheap. Double irony? Their male counterparts are doing just fine in their (generally) natural, greying and lumpy selves. And they don’t look freakish.
It’s been said a million times (which just imbeds that frustration in a bit further) but this is happening because a woman’s true value and efficacy is being packaged to solely be attached to her youthful glow and, in turn, her sexual allure. Can’t be older AND be sexually attractive! Goodness me. That’s simply not possible.
My eyes! My eyes!
Doesn’t it infuriate women to know that even though they spend billions on ‘improving’ themselves (just like they tell us to), it hasn’t afforded them any more airtime?
How sad that for many females, in this time when they are truly coming into their own skin and really start to understand who they are; where they want to run out onto the street and toss their hat up in the air like Mary Tyler Moore – is the exact moment society doesn’t want to know. I found myself feeling vital and energised when I turned 40, in many areas of my life and I know that there are many, MANY women who feel the same – so where are the tales of my fellow sisters in the same proverbial boat?
It would be simply marvellous to actually hear the stories of women’s life experiences – with a spectrum of what’s possible – not just witness the same narrative over and over again, where the story is about the male and his destiny and the young and ‘gorgeous’ girl chases guy for love (or support), or worse still, we actually DO see the wonderful achievements of women, only to have them be overshadowed by her outfit or cellulite issues.
We’re ever so much more.
I would also like to strenuously point out that if, on average, we live to the age of 80:
Are we really saying we’re going to be depressed for HALF our lives about our age?
>>>> Half our lives?? <<<<
Surely NOT!
Embrace the magnificent being you are and get out there and enjoy those next 40 years! That’s an order.
Deep Breath.
x
To the good men who need to speak up.
January 16, 2013
I have been amazed at the number of men in internet debates (albeit small) who still insist on irrational arguments – such as that rape is a woman-made epidemic, saturated with finger-pointers who have changed their mind about having sex with some poor man.
As much as I know that this occurs from time to time, I find it truly astounding that these men insist on this kind of discourse, against the statistically devastating evidence of rape and violence against women.
The frustration I feel, however, with all the fiery discussions that are igniting the internet at the moment, is how the predominant male voices – who are responding to what an abundance of women are saying – seem to be men with the above perspectives. Even if you label them as ‘trolls’, it doesn’t take away from the fact that the conversation is between women and these few men.
Where are the good guys’ voices?
It’s the lack of empathy that seems to be rife amongst these types of men who seem to want to stand up for their gender, however shameful its behaviour is. This is where my logical brain AND heart begin to ache because I can’t understand how so. many. of these types of men, fail to stop and think, “This could have happened to someone I dearly love.”
They can’t think it can happen to them, because statistically it’s microscopically low. Is this where their lack of empathy stems from?
If a fellow male (a good guy) does venture into the conversation to make a comment about the grim state of affairs with women, he is generally greeted with insults. I thought this cartoon by Gabby’s Playhouse is spot on:
Question #136: Is this why the good guys are silent?
I have seen MANY comments from men who demean another man for suggesting things need to change – as if the ‘brotherhood’ has now attained a weak link – who must be pounced upon and destroyed, in a similar vein to how the women are addressed.
I came across this following clip that is from a few years ago, showing how a panel of men – although it’s one alpha male voice who’s in control – must decide a woman’s fate in regards to her calling out a highly stationed man to being sexually inappropriate.
This scenario, in my opinion, encapsulates the battle all women have with being heard and BELIEVED, when the stakes are high – in other words, when it’s her word against his.
Of course, there are men present who attempted to help this woman, but they are immediately shot down by the alpha male – as he loudly claims to be offended by them questioning his methods – and they quietly slink back and remain silent.
What hope do women have to be believed and gain justice, when even fellow men are shot down into silence?
Until we realise that there is no ‘him’ or ‘her’, that a woman seeking justice is only doing just that, not waging war on the male gender – we have no hope of evolving.
We are simply people. People who suffer from the hands of other people and if someone has done the wrong thing, regardless of gender, then they should do the time for the crime.
Deep Breath.
x
A Woman’s Thoughts about Women (1858)
January 14, 2013
For Christmas, I received the truly magnificent, original book I called: A Woman’s Thoughts about Women by Dinah Craik – published in 1858.
The cover is barely holding it together (I feel like Indiana Jones handling a priceless artefact), but the words are strong and beautifully expressed. I find myself raising my eyebrows and shaking my head a little as I read her thoughts, confirming the notion that little has changed in at least 150 years.
This is disconcerting, to say the least. I have always intimated that people have essentially stayed the same ‘on the inside’, but is that changing now with our ever-shrinking world? One that has lost its ability to protect us against the saturation of opinion?
At least this is one person’s opinion I am interested in.
There are so many issues that I want to share form this book and lifestyles from a bygone era, that’s it’s hard to know where to begin. Flicking through, I landed on the chapter title that resonated with me: Women of the World.
Dinah writes:
‘What will the next generation come to? What will they be – those unborn millions who are to grow up into our men and our women? The possible result, even in a practical, to say nothing of a moral light, is awful to think upon. Can it not be averted? Can we not – since, while the power of the world is with men, the influence lies with women – can we not bring up our girls more usefully and less showily?
Can we not teach them from babyhood that to labour is a higher thing than merely to enjoy; that even enjoyment itself is never so sweet as when it has been earned? Can we not put into their minds, whatever be their station, principles of truth, simplicity of taste, helpfulness, hatred of waste; and, these being firmly rooted, trust to their blossoming up in whatever destiny the young maiden may be called to?’
A woman after my own heart.
Better still, her words can equally be applied to our young boys – all people, really.
What simple, logical and fantastic guidelines to live by.
Question #135: So what does the future hold for us, knowing the same questions were being asked 150 years ago?
If we envision dark days – can it not be averted? Evidence seems to point to the gloomy fact that no, it can’t. I long for a time when we can look back at our ridiculous notions of gender roles and see that they have (in the long run) made us worse and more pigeon-holed than ever. Males in power; females on show and all that’s in between.
I wonder what Dinah would think of today’s state of affairs…how intriguing would that conversation be?
Deep Breath.
x
Dinah Craik
One for the boys…
January 12, 2013
But also a fantastic article for all women to read.
Michael J Dolan, self-reflects and awakens:
It’s sobering to read what ‘typically’ goes into a set.
Question #134: Is this type of guy/man (the unaware misogynist) a big problem?
Bringing up daughters.
January 11, 2013
The following article has resonated with me deeply.
It’s fantastic.
I connected with this piece as a mother, as a mother of daughters, as a teacher of young women and as a girl who grew up with the same social ideals – just not as intense as they are now.
As a mum, I’ve often felt this and written about it:
Most girls lack a grasp of basic feminism to help them understand that many of their experiences are the result of growing up in a profoundly unequal world, and therefore not their own fault. Parents can only do so much.
I’ve heard the cliché often – that if they’ve good morals at home, the kids will be right.
Well, that would mean that my girls will be great – but am I enough against the ever-infiltrating, predatory world around them?
As a teacher I have always said the following to my teen students:
And I see how so many young women still assume that their needs come behind those of the boys they form relationships with, absorbing the message that they are lucky to have been chosen at all, when they are the ones who should be doing the choosing.
Young women and teenage girls have lost that power – it’s been given away and only women can get it back – the right to choose. They seem quite chuffed with merely being chosen and then work really hard to maintain being the chosen one.
I know. I’ve been there many times before.
Read this article. See if there are any entrenched ideals that can be shifted within you.
Imagine the profound effect on the world, if we just let our daughters, sisters, wives, girlfriends, aunts and grandmothers be their true selves.
One that doesn’t just revolve around looks and sex – or more to the point nowadays:
Looking sexy (no age restrictions).
The perils and pitfalls of bringing up daughters
Question #133: What passions do the women/girls in your life have?
Ask them. Then encourage them.
Deep Breath.
x
PS The book Raising Girls by Steve Buddulph looks pretty awesome.
“Raising Girls is a beautiful new book written as a response to the crisis in the mental health of girls. Girls are under assault from an exploitive, harsh culture, and need our help to become stronger and freer. This book is a guidebook for your own daughter at every age, and a call to arms in the wider culture. ITS EASY TO READ, HAS MANY POWERFUL STORIES, AND COVERS BABYHOOD RIGHT THROUGH TO ADULTHOOD.”
I’m going to get one.
Birthday #1 – A sum up of 2012.
January 10, 2013
To start with a cliché – if I may – I can’t believe how this past year decided to get really serious with us and hit that turbo button. It felt like it was jammed, through every crevice, with work, responsibility, the pursuit of balance, mixed with pockets of frenzy.
Relief in sight? I’m not really seeing how – society, on the whole, appears to want to give us a run for our money…literally.
A year ago today I started this blog in the early hours of the morning. My intention was to start in on the 9th, but it took me so long to write and re-write that first post, that it tipped me into the 10th.
As I took that first tentative but excited step into the blogging world – already preceded by three women friends of mine, with well established, fantastic and unique blogs (shitonyourplay.blogspot.com, www.allconsuming.com.au, bumpyroadtobubba.com) – I wondered two things:
1. Will ANYONE read it? (every blogger’s primary fear, I assume)
2. Will I run out of things to write about?
Well, I’m happy to say that although I only have a small following, a following it is. I’m not sure if my stats are ‘good’ but I have engaged in some wonderful debate and perspective changing conversations.
In terms of point 2 – there’s no way that I can possibly run out of issues that need to be discussed – investigating the infinite tapestry of actions and viewpoints that make up the human condition. In fact I have so many posts in draft mode (29) – I’m not sure I’ll ever get to some of them, as another morsel of importance invariably pops up.
So after the last year, what are the primary questions that are racing through my mind? The following is the nutshell (if you can call it that):
1. Why do women earn less than men?
This is the first and fundamental question. Women have to work approx. 60 days more a year – that’s two months – to earn the same as men. Why? This MUST be the first step of change if we want to even presume we live in a fair, balanced and just society.
2. Why do women not share the equal balance of power and decision-making?
We all have brains and women have incredible, and repeatedly proven, intelligent ones. Pity men don’t see it that way – they are stopping the chance of equilibrium and a more harmonised existence to maintain the status quo.
97% males in positions of power in publishing, communications, marketing…how can that be considered good, by anyone?
3. How are women’s attributes perceived?
No one wants to be a girl/woman – as who we are and what we have to offer is not considered valuable – emotional, weak etc. (unless it’s to be a ‘mother’ in some form or another), so we’re all encouraged to be like boys/men to get to the top, as it’s the ONLY way things can ‘work’.
4. How are women represented in the current popular culture?
We are represented as being grossly and obsessively insecure, vain, fickle and hyper sexualised. TV shows, movies, video clips and Reality TV shows, like The Shire, have played a huge role in this. In terms of advertising, we have always been force-fed the phrase, “Sex Sells” and taken it as law. The only problem is that it’s only our sex that’s being sold.
5. Why are women being exploited for money? Worse still, why do women play into it?
Women are instilled (soon to be from birth – the final frontier) with a sense of massive insecurity. We are painted an ever unattainable picture of what we have to aspire to, to be considered beautiful. To say the perception of beauty is a constricted one, is an understatement. The only way to ‘get there’ is to shell out insane amounts of money, as well as revere those who can afford it…who look like plastic. (???)
My logical brain cannot compute how women allow themselves to be duped in this manner. All of this only sets women up to fail, hate themselves and, in turn, spend more money. We pay more for EVERYTHING – clothes, shoes, haircuts etc. – and yet, look back at point 1.
What about our boys/men?
6. Is the internet teaching our youth about sex in a detrimental manner?
I think so. Especially for boys as it’s in their nature to view porn. As I’ve always said, I don’t think the feelings and hormones have changed since the days of yore – but the internet and its reach did not exist in the past. Porn is much more explicit now. How are boys going to establish loving and respectful relationships with women when they’ve seen woman after woman dehumanised as merely a sexual object? Sex…education?
7. Why do we have a culture actually named, Rape Culture?
Rape everywhere. In every corner of the globe.
8. Why are men’s responses to these issues so defensive?
I find it a tad frustrating that many men take comments made about their gender personally and some even start to actually argue for the (right??) to perpetuate the derogative labels lumped on women: Bitches, Sluts etc… at home, in jokes, in games, in shows, on drinks’ menus…
9. Where are the voices, and faces, of all the good men?
We know you’re there, but we can’t hear you!
So this is the big 10th question for my first birthday blog:
Question #132: What is our legacy going to be?
What can we do to look back and feel proud of how we, as a village, raised our children by moulding a more balanced world for them?
The pivotal word there is BALANCED.
We have to stop looking at the typical cliché, “That’s the way it’s always been and nothing’s going to change.” In terms of how we feel inside – yes, that’s true – but we are in a critical state of denial if we think that the information that is available to everyone, of every age, as they sit at their computer, is not having a detrimental effect.
I believe, wholeheartedly, that we can create change – but it must start with the individual.
Thank you SO much for joining me this year. I eagerly look forward to more passionate debates, discussions and fiery conversations with you.
Deep Breath.
x
Michael Moore.
January 6, 2013
Michael Moore wrote the following article about his perspective on the United States and its history with violence.
The point titled ‘The ME Society’, is spot on. I think it’s the root of all that’s wrong in our insatiably, money-hungry and lustful paradigm.
Yes, it’s about the States and we may even feel a tinge of superiority – like we’re somehow ‘better’ – but don’t be so complacent and cocky. We’re going to get there really soon, if we don’t pull on the reigns.
Michael Moore: Celebrating the Prince of Peace in the Land of Guns.
Question #131: What do you think of Michael Moore’s insights?
The issue of ‘men with guns’ is a VERY serious one but shouldn’t we also be looking at the even more serious and destructive issue of ‘men who rape’?
As Michael wrote:
“…we rape and beat and kill our women without mercy and at a staggering rate: every three hours a women is murdered in the USA (half the time by an ex or a current); every three minutes a woman is raped in the USA; and every 15 seconds a woman is beaten in the USA.”
Deep Breath.
x
- Michael Moore
A shout out to all good people!
January 5, 2013
A cocktail drinks’ menu has come to light.
It’s so bad. The malice is two-fold – not only because of the actual names that were chosen for the cocktails, but that not one person got in its way and said, “No, this is wrong.”
With all the horrific, violent and frequent incidences that are occurring around the world, someone ultimately gave the final OK to this declaration of hate.
What is it? A dare? A challenge?
“We’re not going to stop calling you sluts and you can’t make us!” Is that it?
This is what I wrote on the Spectrum Daiquiri Bar Facebook page:
When you write these horrible terms about women, you write about ALL women – your mother, grandmothers, sisters, daughters and granddaughters. You can’t say, “Oh no, I didn’t mean you” – it doesn’t work that way.
This is hateful – “Shut her up” and “Slut’. These are the reasons men rape.
Even more deplorable still, you make it a poster (condoning rape culture), that young people read as they’re getting drunk – actually helping create a toxic and violent world for women.
Why do you hate so much?
Shame on you.
Condoning rape culture = hate.
I reckon that if you filtered down all the reasons why men rape women, it would probably be because he either sees her as a slut or just wanted to shut her the **** up?
And this bar thought it would be hi-laaaarious to use these contemptuous and patronising labels for women…whilst young people are brainwashed – as they drink their mind stupid.
BUT – we’re not doing enough about this. Yes, things are being said; but not enough is being done.
If we did, this would simply be stopped. WE – the consumer – saying:
“We won’t stand for this. We don’t want it.”
The volume of the good men’s voices needs to be cranked up a few notches. Lots of women have left comments on this bar’s page, but there are barely any from men – showing their dissatisfaction, that is.
C’mon guys! (Spectrum Daiquiri Bar)
Whatever your age – tell them you’re ashamed.
I hope, with all my heart, that everyone simply boycotts this place (in Brisbane).
I’m sure there must be better places to go to, that respect both genders AKA people.
Give them your hard-earned dollars. Invest in something good, which means taking your business elsewhere. Boom.
Question #130: How empowering would that feel?
…plus it would be fun, wouldn’t it? Feeling that use of power for good?
Deep Breath.
x
Rape Culture #3
January 3, 2013
A cell within the group Anonymous, called ‘Knight Sec’ decided to be a voice against the injustice that came of the gang rape of an unconscious, 16 year old girl in Ohio, by members of a football team – who also documented it all. She was unconscious because she was
“intentionally drugged with a ‘date-rape’ intoxicant.”
The community, police and justice system, that rallied behind theses boys (widely known by their nickname, ‘The Rape Crew’) and swept it all under the carpet, were given until the end of 2012 to come forward and apologise – make things right – otherwise Anonymous was going to publish the information they had gathered.
No-one apologised.
So here is the report that was leaked to the public on the 1st Jan.
It includes the following video footage of the boys admitting to the rape.
*WARNING: This Video Is Extremely Disturbing – Viewer Discretion Is Advised.
Michael Colin Nodianos Admiting To Rape from Commander X on Vimeo.
I only have one question (it would be great if guys help me out here with some insight):
Question #129: Knowing what WE were like as teens – is this type of guy more common now?
What terrifies me most is not what they did to her (although it literally makes my stomach somersault and heart ache), it’s what they think of her – as they laugh…and laugh…and laugh…
In this case, these men flaunted their misogyny through sadistic rape and even urinated on this poor girl – who is ruined for life. But this deplorable attitude can manifest in a number of different ways – domestic violence, forced prostitution etc – and it’s seeping through globally.
* Afgan girl shot in the head for ‘being a prostitute’ in front of a cheering crowd of Taliban men who were fighting over her – DIED.
* Pakistani girl, Malala Yousafzai, shot in the head for wanting an education – LIVED.
* Indian girl’s horrific gang rape – DIED.
* This girl – intentionally drugged, sodomised, urinated on, dragged unconscious from party to party – LIVED.
Etc…etc…etc…
And, of course, these are just the ones we hear about – 1 in 3 women will experience sexual assault in their lifetime.
I want my daughters to be able to go out and confidently participate in this world – but it chills me to think that these guys are out there.
So – is it worse than before?
Guys/Men? Thoughts?
Deep Breath.
x
PS There are no words to describe what I feel about the guy in the video – making joke, after joke, after joke. Just the manner in which he says the same type of thing over and over again, fills me with a strong and uncharacteristic desire, to smack his smug and idiotic face out. The cameraman laughing at all his jokes and egging him to keep going, would be next.
The following is what he wrote on Twitter:
Just to clarify from my last post. Rape Culture #2.
December 30, 2012
Two women left great comments, in response to the previous post about Rape Culture.
I would like to address two of the points made by these women.
1. lamehousewife was suggesting that the ad on the bus is a reflection of the type of women the priest was talking about.
I agree.
Throughout my posts, I have always made a strong point (I hope) on the massive contribution women are making to the problems they face in this patriarchal society. Ads, like the one on the back of the bus, can only exist with a woman’s consent.
Without women agreeing to normalise this hyper-sexualised, fickle, fake image of womanhood – we have little chance of attaining any sort of equality amongst this man’s world.
However, I AM about balance and the point of my last post was simply that the solution/solving conversations that make the papers, are about what women have to do to stop the Rape Culture.
But what about the guys/men? The ones COMMITTING the crime?
The CRIME.
Most of the time, it has nothing to do with what a woman wears. A lot of the time it can be a family member, raping a daughter/niece…or she didn’t do as she was told…or she looks like his mother and he hates his mother…etc. etc. etc.
I’m sure I (we) could find a gazillion reasons why so many men rape women…but the only common denominator, is that it’s men inflicting violence against women on an unprecedented and global scale.
As I said in my response, there is currently heated discussion at the prevalence of males being behind mass shootings, like the recent ones in the United States. Well, this is MORE prevalent…and also inflicted by men.
Where’s the article on that in mainstream media?
Where are the mental health programs for them? Or is it simply too many men?
More importantly:
Question #128: How are our boys being taught NOT to think of women as useless (except for one thing) and ‘gagging-for-it’?
If we’re not implementing the above, then we are simply stepping aside and allowing the Rape Culture to perpetuate.
You can get it on a t-shirt (this one’s a tame one):
Or in a meme:
You get the idea…
2. Kate left a fantastic comment which hits the nail on the head; looking at this from another angle. A part of what she wrote was the following:
“I long for the time women regain their worth, their subtle and centred power, and this can’t happen by drinking as much as men or lowering our sexual standards by removing our sense of love and care and giving, or by trying to ‘be’ like men. We are depth that are women! Yet we seem to be under the stupidity of unawakened ideals that put us ‘beneath’ another gender.”
Exactly, right?
We simply can’t allow ourselves to believe what’s said about us or how we’re portrayed. We are actually short-changing the fantastic, awesome wonderfulness that it is to be a woman and short-changing what we can offer – together with men.
Finally, another reader left the following YouTube clip. It was posted online only a few months ago and it’s your regular, fit, young man giving out some advice to ‘the brotherhood’ about women.
Some of the language used may offend some women.
And this is the type of guy that’s out there…
It’s not all of them – no – but they’re what’s in fashion now.
Any alarm bells ringing yet?
Thank you so much for all the engaging and insightful comments and calm discussion. Keep them coming!
Man or woman.
Deep Breath.
x
Questions for Us 